Kill Phil: Volume One
by Positronic Hazardous Infiltration Lifeform
Summary: A riproaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction. For one of the most trivial reasons ever, a disgruntled fanfic writer hires an assassin to kill his friend. The battle's on to... Kill Phil! Complete
1. Prologue

'You have no chance to survive  
make your time'

- Old Japanese Proverb -

All is black…  
All is quiet…  
It is like the calm before the storm…  
Above the noiseless din we can hear a faint noise…  
A buzzing, a breathing, a squealing…

And a voice…

"Do you find me sadistic?"

"I'm not being sadistic. Not to you."

"Maybe to all these other jokers."

The fly struggled under the thumb of it's tormenter Marc.

"But not to you."

Politics class officially started. Marc released his grip on the unfortunate fly and turned to face the front. But the insect barely had time to breathe a sigh of relief before he grabbed it again and finished pulling the second wing off.

Moments later Phil, fanfic writer extraordinaire, walked in.

"You're late," said Marc. Phil shrugged casually.

"What're you gonna do… _**kill me**?_"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

And so begins  
the rip-roaring tale of  
blood, death and fanfiction…

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"_The 22nd Fanfic by_

_Philip Williams_"

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Featuring:

_Marc  
__Helen  
__Nancy  
__Tom-Tom  
__Adam…_

…_and Phil_

As members of:  
**The Fatal Cobra Fanfic Squad**

And a crazed Uma Thurman look-alike as:  
_The Crazed Uma Thurman Look-Alike_

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Starring:

Marc Potts as… 'Nineteenth Angel'

Helen Anthony as… 'Beloved Fool'

Nancy Vang as… 'Deadly Sirens'

Tom Williams as… _various_

Adam Lait as… 'Soviet Man'

Phil as…_himself_

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And so the Top Secret Forbidden Fic of Mystery is revealed to you at last.  
It is the 22nd fan-story by Philip Williams.  
It is a tale of violence and struggle.  
It is a rip-roaring tale of BLOOD,DEATH andFANFICTION.

And when The Crazed Uma Thurman Look Alike gets to where she's going,  
she is going to:

**_KILL  
_****_PHIL_**


	2. Chapter 1: 2

Our Feature Presentation:  
Philip Williams writes:

**KILL PHIL  
A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and Fan-fiction.  
**  
Chapter One:  
"2"

Somewhere in California...

She pulled up outside of the pleasant house. It looked peaceful.  
The Crazed Uma Thurman Look-Alike (henceforth known as TCUTLA) smirked.

_Well, that was gonna change._

Stepping out of her ridiculously over-the-top 'Kitty Wagon' convertible, she walked down the path beside the pristine lawn. It was all so perfect. A spotless summer home in California sunshine, like something out of a 1950s dream. On the perfect red door, there was a brass knocker. TCUTLA used it to announce her presence.

_Knock, knock…_

Inside, there was a crash and the sound of cursing. The resident inside opened the door. TCUTLA narrowed her eyes.

_It was Marc._

For perhaps a minute, they stared at each other in silence. TCUTLA balled her fists in a rage to which the extent was known only to her. As Marc tried to work out why she was there, TCUTLA punched him full in the face, knocking him back into the entrance hall of his summer home.

Marc quickly recovered and adopted a hasty fighting pose. TCUTLA struck him again and, again, knocked him back, this time making him crash into a glass coffee table. Marc cursed under his breath…

'Fuck!'

…but got back onto his feet. He lashed out a TCUTLA with a high-powered punch. TCUTLA dodged aside and countered with one of her own, but Marc was too quick and evaded the blow. They fought into the living room, lashing out, blocking, parrying and countering each other. TCUTLA gradually gained the upper hand, and sent Marc flying into more tables, as well as many other assorted pieces of furniture, including (but not limited to: bookshelves, wall mounts, chairs, sofas and televisions).

After this short fight, which resulted in the damage of several tables, they paused.

Marc was flat on his back with TCUTLA standing over him.

"You're just a good a fighter as I thought you'd be," Marc said.

TCUTLA extended a hand to help Marc up, a rare exhibition of generosity on her part.

"You want some coffee?" asked Marc. TCUTLA shrugged one shoulder noncommittally and followed him into the kitchen. Once in the kitchen, Marc pulled a jar of coffee out of the cupboard and placed it on the worktop. He turned round.

"Cream and sugar?" he asked.

"Both" replied TCUTLA. There was, nor would ever be, any '_please'_ involved.

"Congratulations on finishing off Helen by the way" added Marc between the sugar and the cream. "And congrats, I guess, for finally silencing the Krazy 88 as well. They were spoiling fanfiction for the rest of us. I take it that they weren't too much trouble?"

"Bunch of over-rated tossers really," said TCUTLA casually. "They dropped like flies to my Across Blade. There was 'Sue blood everywhere.

She smiled, evilly. She may look like a respected Hollywood actress, but with one sadistic look she could send shivers down even the Devil's own spine.

"It was great! Now there's only five more to go…" TCUTLA added.

Marc nodded appreciatively. "That was quite a feat. Now you just need to finish off the other four."

_Well, actually…_

"But Marc, your orders were to finish _every_ single member of the Fatal Cobra Fanfiction Squad. I thought, since you appear on the list…"

Marc laughed, although not very much.

"Well, just remember whose paying you."

TCUTLA laughed, rather dryly it must be said.

"But an assassin like me really ought to cover her tracks…?"

Marc laughed again.

"Excuse me for a moment, I'm hungry. You want some cereal?"

"No."

Marc shrugged and pulled out a packet of "Yu-Gi-O's" (available in all good stores… maybe). Though small and rat-like, he reached up to the highest cupboard and yoinked a bowl.

"Who is the next target on your list?

TCUTLA thought about it for a second.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MARC  
MEMBER OF:  
**THE FATAL COBRA FANFICTION SQUAD  
CODENAME: Nineteenth Angel**

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Marc laughed and waved a hand dismissively.

"Nevermind," he turned his back to TCUTLA to get cereal out of another cupboard. "Just remember who paid you," he added, pouring some cereal into a bowl for himself.

"Yeah that's right, you foolishly paid me in advance," said TCUTLA darkly. "You know, an assassin really _ought_ to cover her tracks…"

**_BANG!_**

Marc pulled the trigger of the pistol concealed in the cereal box. But his aim was poor so it missed TCUTLA and hit her coffee cup instead, the china exploding into hundreds of sharp little fragments. Taken aback, TCUTLA dropped to the ground and reached for the SOG combat knife strapped to her leg inside her boot.

Marc pulled the pistol out of the cereal box, but before he could get proper aim for a second shot, TCUTLA had already thrown the knife. It landed square in his throat. Marc fell to the ground, clutching at the hilt of the knife now buried in his jugular, eyes wide and staring and already beginning to display the glazed look of a dead man's eyes.

_As I watched his death throes, I could feel the blade embedded in his neck, splitting open his jugular, spilling precious life-blood…_

TCUTLA walked over calmly. She took her knife and wiped it clean on the lapel of Marc's jacket.

"From now on, it's just the thrill of the kill."

After making sure Marc was dead, TCUTLA went to leave the house. She made a few half-hearted attempts to clear up some of the mess she'd made in the living room, but gave up and left. Closing the door behind her, TCUTLA walked back down the green, green 1950s lawn and climbed into the back of her ridiculously over-the-top convertible.

The next target has to be around her somewhere…

Once more, TCUTLA sped off. Somewhere someone was still alive, someone who really shouldn't be. TCUTLA ticked her list off. The current list was:

DEATH LIST SIX:  
Helen X  
Marc X  
Nancy  
Tom-Tom  
Adam  
_Phil_

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_I've loved the thrill of the kill since before I can remember. Whatever the reason was that Marc had hired me, it was no longer my concern._

_Since Marc had foolishly paid in advance, I thought I'd catch another kill before I left town to get the next unfortunate member of the Fatal Cobra Fanfiction Squad._

_I didn't have to pursue Phil or the other members. I had my money after all. But my first taste of Fatal Cobra blood had me hooked and I knew and I wouldn't be able to let this lie until I finished what I started out to do._

_No doubt Phil would not rest until he found me. By this point I had killed Helen, and Marc was freshly dead too. Finding Helen was the easy part – when one becomes one of the foremost anime collectors in the world, one does not keep it a secret. At a time when I knew the lest about my enemies, she was easiest to find. That was one of my greatest battles, but I can't tell you that story just yet. You really need to know what makes me tick first. All you really need to understand is how much I enjoy killing._

_I don't think I can actually describe to you how much I really enjoy killing. Maybe I should show you…_


	3. Chapter 2: The Blood Splattered BRIDE

Our Feature Presentation:  
Philip Williams writes:

**KILL PHIL  
****A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.**

Chapter Two:  
"The Blood Splattered BRIDE."

Somewhere in Texas… 

A country sheriff drove up along a dusty desert road, along to a church in the middle of nowhere. For some strange reason he had a row of differently coloured sunglasses along the dashboard. Eventually the lonely old church came into sight. It was already teeming with deputies.

"What we got here?" said the Sheriff, chewing on a piece of wheat, sunlight bouncing off his dark sunglasses.

"Well sir" said the Deputy. "Looks like we got ourselves one sick motherfucker. It's a goddamn massacre in there sir."

"Well, Jesus, son, don't stand there blocking my way, let me through."

He shoved past the deputy and walked into the church. Immediately a horrific stench of death overpowered him. Bodies were strewn everywhere, decapitated for the most part. In the centre of the room, next to a groom sporting at least a dozen stab wounds, was lady that was already being referred to as 'The Bride'. She was lying comatose, beaten and bruised on the floor.

The Sheriff walked over towards the bride, whom one of his deputies was taking photographic evidence of.

"Yep, I'd say this was done by about four maybe five people, professionals, advancing slowly firing a hail of bullets right into the dozen or so people we got here."

"But chief…!" began one of the deputies "They're all dead from stab wounds!"

"Okay then they…"

"Hold on chief!" shouted a deputy by the door, he had a videotape in his hand. "We caught them on the CCTV, looks like just one crazy blonde assassin in a yellow jumpsuit!"

The Sheriff sighed, holding his hands against his face. After half-a-minute of quiet sobbing, he stooped down and looked at the half-dead bride.

"So… this little cutie pie is still alive huh?" he sheepishly asked a deputy.

"Just" said the Deputy.

"Look at her. Long blonde hair, nice if a little ruffled, greyish blue eyes, slim athletic figure, smooth creamy skin…"

_Is he part in-love or what? In case you're wondering that 'Bride' is not me. Looks like me, sounds like me but, boys and girls, she wasn't me…_

A shadow fell over the bloodied interior… at the door was a silhouette, a figure clad in yellow and holding a sleek, reflective Japanese katana.

_Right there, that's me._

One of the deputies approached the jump-suited Tcutla. He had two questions: First was "Who the fuck?" and second the much more professional sounding "This is a crime scene, police only".

"Who the fuck are you?" said the Deputy, choosing the first question.

_An eloquently put question, Unnamed Deputy Number One. Here is my own expressively assembled response to that:_

Tcutla pierced him through the chest with her katana. Claret spurted out of him like a spray, and then the deputy gurgled, squealed, and hit the ground. Everyone drew back in surprise, the sheriff had still not stood back up. By the time their guns were drawn Tcutla had run across the run, chopping the head off of another deputy and ducked behind a large wooden pillar. The three remaining deputies - everyone outside is dead or dying at this point – cautiously drew themselves towards the pillar.

_Oh! here's my favourite bit:_

Tcutla leaned out and, with a powerful desert eagle bearing the image of a depressed looking falcon, hastily blew off the heads of each deputy.

The Sheriff was still and in shock, on his knees next to the Bride. She walked up, katana in one hand, desert eagle in the other and…

"No, wait!" screamed the Sheriff.

…chopped his head off with one swift stroke. It rolled over across the already reddened chapel. More red gore leaked over the floor; the blood splattered Bride became even more blood splattered with the Sheriff's headless corpse next to her.

Tcutla looked at the comatose body of The Bride.

_Huh, they were calling her 'The Bride'. What a stupid nickname…_

"Ya know now I get a better look at you, you don't look like me _that_ much" said Tcutla. "Yeah, you go that Venus thing going for you but, now I get a closer look at you, you're kinda weird looking."

_Jealously? No way! Hey it's true! She had a big nose and funny eyes that looked warped and mismatched. Once I had a closer look I could see that she looked nothing like me. If only you could've been their to get a REAL look at her too._

_Don't look at me funny. I had a job to do – and I got paid well. The fact that I drew bloody satisfaction out of it doesn't come into it. I shot down that bride-to-be. The contract was only on her, but I thought why not? So I killed the groom. Then I killed the whole fucking wedding party as well. Then when I realised I had to finish her off I waited. I waited for the thin blue line to appear. Then I got some extra play time with them._

Tcutla aimed her desert eagle.

"So long, bitch,"

She pulled the trigger, **_Bang!_**, and splattered the brains of The Bride across the room.

_I stood there, alone in the church, surrounded by the bodies of my victims. At moments like this I always feel at peace. It's nice. I sighed, my mind completely free and clear. They all had it coming. So what if I damn well enjoyed it?_

_Want another example? How 'bout this one, set a year or two afterwards:_

  
El Pisso General Hospital

_Back in Texas once more. This time I've got to finish a job someone left unfinished. A so-called great assassin, who shall remain unnamed, failed to take out a target. I took out the target, now I have to take out the assassin. Luckily, he's travelled all the way to this bumpkin hospital for a kidney operation…_

The rain came down in buckets. Tcutla's trademark car, the ridiculously over-the-top Kitty Mobile, pulled up outside the hospital. Emerging from the car was Tcutla. The rain poured down so heavily that she was immediately soaked. Since it was obviously useless pulling out the umbrella now, Tcutla walked into the hospital, soaked. She held in her hand a large sports bag – her bag of tricks.

_Let's fast forward fifteen minutes. You won't miss anything important, except maybe a highly revealing clothes changing sequence…_

Tcutla stood in the patient's room, dressed in a white nurse's uniform. It would have been too tiring to simply hack her way through the hospital staff, so for once she was using her discretion. Learning the slice through a hundred people without becoming tired was a trick she'd learn a little later…

----------------------------------------------------------

"THE CRAZED UMA THURMAN LOOK ALIKE"

Sole member of

THE JADED FALCON KILL-TEAM

Codename: **'TCUTLA'**

----------------------------------------------------------

Tcutla looked down at the patient, her target. He was supposedly one of the world's greatest assassins. Tcutla had met several of the greatest assassins. Indeed, she had fought several of them. She had met Number 47 for example, a legendary Hitman in the employ of the mysterious Agency. Tcutla hated organised groups of killers, so she had never joined a agency. But she did start a group called the Jaded Falcon Kill Team. It wasn't really a team, since she was the only member, but it sounded good and people seemed to feel that faceless organisations were more professional than lonesome psychotic lunatics willing to kill for money. Tcutla had even her own logo for the group, a depressed-looking falcon resting on a perch. It also meant that she could write 'self-employed' on her tax forms and, depending on the country she was resident in at that moment in time, claim tax benefits. Not that she ever paid taxes of course, but it was nice to know that if she did she would pay less then most other people.

This particular assassin, asleep, vulnerable and unsuspecting, worked for massive sums of money, the US equivalent to a million British pounds apparently. Tcutla had never heard of him. In fact she couldn't even pronounce his name.

"Looks like you screwed up Mr Scare-Man-Ja. But at least now you'll be at peace. Look on the bright side - a quiet death is something our types are never granted. Consider this a gift from one killer to another."

And then, in a distinctly sombre and dignified manner, she injected him with a lethal concoction and turned off his monitors.

_He was probably a bastard. He had probably killed more people than me. But I respected that man. Maybe because he'd killed more people, maybe not. Maybe I respected him because he was like me. All the same, at that particular moment I was filled with a deep respect…_

"Now let's see what is in your pockets" said Tcutla, thinking out loud.

She rummaged around in his coat pockets. In his top pocket she found several useless paperclips and bits of lint (paper clips and lint must always appear in breast pockets as well as drawers – it's a law of reality) , but one of his lower pockets she felt a large rectangular object.

"A golden cigarette lighter?" said Tcutla. "Nice."

She flipped it and tried it. It did indeed work. But after some investigation, Tcutla found out that the lighter could be folded out into a gun. It was empty of ammo, and didn't look like it would accept standard ammunition. It was one for her wall then, to be displayed there for all her guests to see. Well, just Tcutla really. She never had guests for some reason.

In his other remaining pocket she found some money, which she used later on to by a hearty meal from a nearby café. After that refreshing meal she left. She climbed into her Jaded Falcon Kitty Mobile and spud off. One of the world's greatest assassins was dead, by the hand of another of the world's greatest assassins.

_Sometimes I wish I could've faced him in real combat. But a jobs a job right? Bored of the past yet? Want to be back in the present, to hear the rest of this rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction? Well, I'm getting there. Just this once I'll be merciful and skip to an event that occurred quite recently, one month ago…_

  
One Month Ago  
Undisclosed Location  
Midnight

"And that is your target," said the shadowy figure, finishing his description of the intended targets.

Tcutla nodded and thumbed her way through the documents the hooded rat-like figure had given her.

"Remember, it is not enough to merely kill Phil, you must slay his characters and his associated group of fanfiction lovers."

Tcutla about this for a second. What Marc had failed to realise was that through her next few pieces of dialogue she took care to make sure he worded his desired mission outcome just right…

"So… you want me to kill the Fatal Cobras?" asked Tcutla, convincingly feigning a lack of understanding.

"Kill them all" said Marc, foolishly. "Kill every Fatal Cobra without mercy."

Tcutla smiled (demonically) and nodded. So it was agreed, so it shall be done. It was now unavoidable, Tcutla would fall upon it's members like a raging whirlwind.

The Fatal Cobra Fanfiction Squad would cease to exist.

"May I ask why you are hiring me?" enquired Tcutla sweetly.

"Because I hear you're good. And your company name remains me of sweet, sweet BattleTech."

He sighed dreamily.

"If only you were called Word of Death or something…"

He stood quiet and still for a few more moments, dreaming of giant robots in bright, shiny white paint somehow managing to ambush a line of other, more sensibly painted armoured mecha. It was tempting to just kill him now, but instead Tcutla just poked him when his eyes began to glaze over.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"What I meant was, why are you hiring an assassin?" said Tcutla.

"Because…" started Marc. He grabbed at the air, and tried to remember the reason. "Because last Thursday he dared me too!"

Tcutla raised an eyebrow.

"Don't look at me like that!" said Marc. "And he keeps calling me Rat Boy. I am not rat-like! When I signed up I asked to be called Nineteenth Angel, but he insists on calling me Rat Boy. I am not a rat!"

Feeling hungry, Marc took out a block of cheese and nibbled on it. Tcutla's eyebrow remained raised.

"I'll have you know that it's mice that nibble on cheese. Thank-you-very-much" said Marc. "You'll find your payment in hidden in a bag behind me. It took some doing to find the money, but I did it."

"Arigato," said Tcutla. She bowed slightly.

Marc left, and Tcutla picked up the bag. True to his word, it was full of money. He'd actually done it: Marc had foolishly paid in advance.

_First mistake: hiring me. Second mistake: paying in advance. Third mistake: wording it vague enough for me to include him in the kill-list. If any potential customers are reading this by the way, I swear I wouldn't do anything like that again. Honest._

_Anyway…_

_I strolled away, humming. Life is good. On to the next challenge. The Fatal Cobras lay ahead, and by this point I was very excited. I went back to the cheap model I'd rented. It's crummy and run-down. Don't even bother imagining it. Just picture me, The Crazed Uma Thurman Look Alike, lying on the bed, plotting evilly._

_As I lay on the rubbishy old bed reading through Marc's information on the Fatal Cobras, I pictured their faces in front of me. The members, all of them, of Phil's brainchild;_

**"The Fatal Cobra Fanfiction Squad"**


	4. Chapter 3: The Fatal Cobra Fanfic Squad

Our Feature Presentation:  
Philip Williams writes:

**KILL PHIL  
****A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.**

Chapter four:  
"The Fatal Cobra Fanfiction Squad"

_This is where the funky 70s theme music starts. Make sure you're listening to some._

A multi-headed cobra appears in cheap – yet cool – animation. It rears up to strike… and **_strikes!_**

_Freeze_. After some time the silhouettes of the Fatal Cobras fade in. Their blackness contrasts with the strange psychedelic colours of the background.

"The **FATAL COBRA  
****FANFICTION SQUAD  
**The **Fa. Co. Fa. S**"

_No, no-one knows what Facofas means. God knows what Phil was thinking when he came up with that._

----------------------------------------------------------

"**STARRING**"

----------------------------------------------------------

The first silhouette is revealed, reading some manga and – the spoilsport – giving us the finger.

"HELEN  
as  
BELOVED FOOL"

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The second silhouette is revealed, swinging a bamboo sword inexpertly:

"MARC  
as  
NINETEENTH ANGEL"

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The third silhouette is revealed, smoking a dubious substance whilst simultaneously splitting into alternate copies of himself.

"TOM  
as  
TOM-TOM: FIRST OF THE TOMS"

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The fourth silhouette is revealed, holding an enormous gun and bearing a large, wide grin.

"NANCY  
as  
DEADLY SIRENS"

----------------------------------------------------------

The fifth and final silhouette is revealed, clad in ex-Soviet Union military gear and leaning on a motorbike.

"ADAM  
as  
SOVIET MAN"

----------------------------------------------------------

Created and produced  
by  
PHIL

----------------------------------------------------------

_Now even though I've read a comprehensive dossier on my quarry I've still little idea of their strengths and weaknesses. Beloved Fool, the first name on my death-list, would surely be in Japan. They always have a cosplay convention being held somewhere over there, don't they? That would be convenient, because if I had to slaughter the Fatal Cobras I'd need to take a stop in Japan anyway. But enough about that. Let me tell you a little more about Beloved Fool, the first Fatal Cobra I killed._

_Beloved Fool's origins lie shrouded in mystery. Some say she is a beautiful monster, something only seen at night drinking red wine. Others say she's justyouraverage fan fiction author. Maybe both are right. I could tell from her dossier that I'd find her anywhere there was high-quality manga… or Harry Potter slash... __available._

_Though her origins are hazy, by the age of eighteen she was a listed as one of the premier fan fiction writers in the world. Now she's part of the Phil's Fatal Cobras, a shadowy group, much like The Secret Masters of Fandom, playing at getting all the control, power, money and influence it can._

_Since she's a favourite of Phil, she'd be guarded and escorted by some of his most loyal and fearsome soldiers. We'll discuss them later._

_Looks like I'm going to Japan then. But first things first:_

"**Wiggle your big toe.**"

_Go on, I bet your feet are half-asleep by now, especially if you've been reading all these chapters back to back._

_Right. Hard part's over. That's all the insight you're getting into me and my prey. If you dare, follow me on my journey. Next come the last two parts of my little burst into the past. I gotta take a plane to pick up something special, brush up on my skills and kill my first Fatal Cobra._

_Then we'll get back into the present, the here and now, I promise._

_Time to fly…_

"One ticket to Japan" said Tcutla, slamming a wad of dollar bills on the airport ticket counter.


	5. Chapter 4: That Man From OKINAWA

Our Feature Presentation:  
Philip Williams writes:

**KILL PHIL  
****A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.**

Chapter four:  
"That Man From Okimawa"

It was mid-day in Okinawa. Tcutla had fought her way through some of the busy districts - literally in some cases (that girl _really_ likes killing stuff) – and had found the ideal place to begin her search for the ultimate weapon.

**She has just entered a tiny, run-down sushi bar.**

"_The City of  
__OKINAWA, Japan_"

She pushed her way past the flimsy fabric piece that functioned as a second doorway. The little fish and sake bar was, in Tcutla's opinion, the definition of the word cozy. The floor and walls appeared to be made from the same wood, which looked half-rotten. The place smelt, funnily enough, of fish.

The only other person present in the bar is the sushi chef. Tcutla's sharp ears also heard a _chop chopping_ coming from what was probably the kitchen. Besides the chef at the counter and the person in the kitchen, there was no-one else present in the tiny bar.

The Japanese man at the bar looked up and smiled when he saw that he finally had a customer at least. He bade Tcutla to come over and sit. When she got closer, Tcutla saw that the man was not Japanese, but of some Western origin. He looked about middle-aged. _He was also dressed far too slickly for a proper sushi chef, with his white polyester suit that looked like it had been taken straight out of the 1980s._

"A customer" said the man.

"Are you the owner?" asked Tcutla.

"Why yes, yes I am!" said the man proudly.

"You look too well-dressed to be the owner."

"I'll have you know that working with sushi is a highly skilled and respected business" replied the man.

"Don't real sushi chefs work in front of their customers, doing tricks?"

"Sort of, sort of," the man smiled. "I know what your really thinking. This sushi bar is nothing but a cramped sitting area and a dirty kitchen.. And you're right. It is most unfortunate, but this place has not been doing too well recently."

Tcutla looked around. The only window was broken and half of it was boarded up.

"I can see…"

"English?"

"What?"

"Are you English?" asked the man.

"Almost. Try, American," replied Tcutla.

"Ah, you are an American," said the man. "Do you know New York? New York is very nice…"

"Certainly. For America," mumbled Tcutla.

"Well welcome, welcome to my humble establishment!" said the man, sounding extremely haughty.

"Domo," said Tcutla.

The man laughed, humouring the seemingly ditzy 'tourist'.

"'Domo', very good! You speak Japanese then?"

"Oh no," lied Tcutla. "I'm just a learner."

"You're very good!" repeated the man once more. "Excuse me for a second…"

He turned around and, leaning towards the kitchen door, shouted several harsh sounding words to the person working in the kitchen. Using her knowledge of Eastern languages Tcutla translated it as: "I can hear you! Get back to work you damn untranslatable word slacker!". When he was finished, he turned back to pleasantly talk to Tcutla as though nothing had happened.

"Now… what other words do you know?"

"Oh… well…" started Tcutla, keeping in-character with her 'ditzy blonde' identity, "Let's see… '_r-ig-a-toe_'."

The man clapped. When an experience linguist hears about someone learning a new language it really is like humouring a small child.

"'Arigato'. Very good."

He pushed a plate of complementary mouldy nuts to her, since he didn't have any  
sticky gold stars to give out.

"'_Ah-so_'" said Tcutla, trying and succeeding to appear terrible at Japanese.

"Ah-so!" said the man, feigning being impressed. "So you know what 'Ah-so' means?"

"I see."

"That's right" said the man, clapping slowly. "Very good."

"And I already said '_domo'_ right?" asked the outwardly ditzy Tcutla.

"Yes you did," said the man.

"Then how about, '_kon-eti-wa'_?" said Tcutla, this time faking timidity as well.

Hearing Tcutla's poorly pronounced attempt at saying hello, the smoothly dressed man running the bar made an 'Oooh' face; it looked as though a great secret of the macrocosm had finally been revealed to him.

"Very good, though you must work on your pronunciation," said the man. "Repeat after me, '_kon-nichi-wa_'"

Tcutla smiled. "'_kon-nichi-wa_'?"

The man smiled back at her. "Very good," he said with genuine admiration. "You say Japanese words like a real Japanese person."

Tcutla giggled. It wasn't completely fake. She hadn't been complemented in a long time. Never, actually. Most people died before they could get to know her.

"You're just teasing me!" she said.

"No, no, I'm very serious!"

Tcutla, continuing with the ditzy act, smiled at the man again. She took a big risk, and dared to eat one of the mouldy bar-nuts.

"Well thank you," she said. "I mean… '_arigato'_"

The man laughed. His laugh was very exaggerated and over-top. Tcutla had no doubt that this was the man she'd come to Okinawa to meet. Tcutla saw that underneath the inviting exterior was a heart of pure evil. He was rather like her.

"Excellent," said the man. "You should learn Japanese. It's very easy."

"No way!" said Tcutla, laughing. "I heard it was very hard!"

"Perhaps for some people, but you have a real Japanese tongue."

"Maybe."

"Sure you have."

"Is that how you learnt Japanese? Do you have a Japanese tongue?"

"Of course I do!" said the man, boastfully. "I have one in a jar on my mantle!"

Tcutla snorted. The man reached under the bar and set out a colourful raw fish in front of her…

"How did you know tuna's my favourite?" asked Tcutla.

A voice from the kitchen, a surprisingly respectable, mournful sounding voice, shouted out:

_"What does she require to drink?"_

"I'll take some warm sake," Tcutla said to the man at the bar.

The man turned to face the kitchen door, and like before a few more Japanese expletives were yelled. Tcutla translated it as: "She wants some warm sake. And enough of your shitty attitude, goddamn trainee!"

"I'll bring out the sake soon," said the man. He got up and walked to the other side of the bar, where another colourful fish and a heavy knife waited. "I'll cut some more fish. Tell me a little bit about yourself."

**_Slice_**. He removed the fish's head. Tcutla had another piece of tuna-fish.

"This your first time in Japan?"

"Yes," lied Tcutla.

"And what brings you to this part of Okinawa?"

"I came to see a man."

"Oh. He a friend?"

"I've never met him."

The smartly dressed sushi-chef continued his slicing…

"Then who is this man, may I ask?"

"Not this man. I'm looking for… " she leant over the bar, drawing herself closer to the man. "_I need to find **That Man**_."

The man gasped and stopped slicing upon hearing this. A small amount of blood trickled from a cut in his finger.

He spoke to Tcutla, speaking in perfect Japanese:

"_And what do you want with That Man?_"

"_I need ACROSS steel,_" said Tcutla, in flawlessly fluent in Japanese.

"_Why do you need ACROSS steel?_"

"_I have vermin to kill._"

"_It must be big vermin if you require ACROSS steel._"

Tcutla drew herself up to full height, all ditzy-quirks completely gone and replaced by pure, undiluted evil:

"_Huge_."


	6. Chapter 5: Five Minute Intensive Trainin...

Our Feature Presentation:  
Philip Williams writes:

**KILL PHIL  
****A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.**

Chapter five:  
"_Five Minute Intensive Training_"

That Man led Tcutla through the back, past kitchen and the over-dressed robed chef, into another building. It was as crappy and run-down as the poor filthy bar they'd just left. Everything changed when That Man led her into his loft though… Tcutla looked the room, the carpeted floor and the wall racks…

It was the most beautiful thing she'd ever saw. She felt a tear of joy forming in her right eye.

Rows upon rows of swords, each one finely crafted by one of the greatest sword smithy in history. They were set on wooden racks in their hand-carved wooden sheaths. Even the sheaths were highly ornate, depicting acts of violence, legend, heroics and conquest. Some had prayers, mottos, emblems, quotations and poems written on them as well. Tcutla reverently approached one of the racks. Not bothering with politeness, she picked one sword up and cradled it in her arms, gazing at the perfect Japanese steel.

"Why don't you try another?" said That Man, head poking out of the trapdoor entrance on the other side of the attic. "Try the second one down, sixth row on your left."

Tcutla found it, sleeping dormant, in it's shining black sheath. She held it up, unsheathed it partially…

That Man smiled, and climbed out into the attic.

…then unsheathed it fully. The blade flourished in the light. Tcutla tried wielding it; the blade hummed as it cut through the air.

"It is funny how much you like Samurai swords," said That Man. He pulled a baseball out of his pocket. "I like baseball."

He pitched and threw the ball straight and hard at Tcutla.

_SLASH_. Quick as a whip, Tcutla sliced the ball in half, in mid air. Two perfectly cut baseball pieces fell to the floor. That Man gave Tcutla a respectful nod, then crossed the attic towards her. 

"It is good that I could show you these, but as someone as knowledgeable as you must surely know, I no longer make weapons," said That Man. "Not since my defeat at the hands of a funky-haired anime director and a low-paid foreign worker."

He sighed, and took the sword from Tcutla. The thought of simply killing him and taking the blade crossed her mind, but she reckoned she'd get something good out of this reflective dialogue. Besides, you don't just kill That Man.

"I now live a quiet life, and keep these swords simply for their sentimental value. I am proud of my life's work in the evil organisation of ACROSS…" he said, "But I am retired. I no longer make swords."

"Then just give me one of these!" pleaded Tcutla.

"These swords are not for sale," said That Man.

"When did I say '_sell'_?" said Tcutla. "I said… _GIVE_"

"Ha!" laughed That Man. "You want me to give you a sword? Why should I be obliged to help you exterminate your vermin?"

"Considering the vermin, I'd have thought you'd be more than happy to oblige," said Tcutla.

"You mean…"

"And not just any fanfic author…" allured Tcutla.

That Man walked over to the dusty loft window. He scrawled a name into the dust:

"_PHIL_"

The blonde haired assassin nodded.

The proud warrior, That Man, walked back over to the trapdoor entrance.

"I have just the sword. The greatest sword that has ever existed. It may take me a few minutes to fetch it. You may sleep over there," he said, pointing to a corner of the attic. "And then we shall begin the intensive training.

Tcutla smiled at That Man, who left to fetch the greatest weapon known to man. Tcutla walked over to the window, removed a handkerchief, and wiped Phil's name off the window.

FADE TO BLACK

Five Minutes Later…

Tcutla had spent the five minutes resting in the corner. When he returned, he kicked Tcutla softly in the ribs.

"I have in my hands the greatest weapon ever created. Though it breaks an oath I swore to God two years ago, I will give you it because I am sympathetic to your cause. This is a blade that I created for purpose of killing people, and in that purpose, I was successful. Possibly too successful…"

Tcutla gazed up at the weapon, a sword in it's sheath. Both the sheath and the handle were pure black wood, completely jet. At the base of the sheath, by the handle of the blade, was the head of a roaring lioness.

"I can tell you, with no ego, that this is my finest sword. It is the greatest sword I have ever made, and the greatest sword you will ever find. No weapon will ever match it's power," said That Man.

He gracefully removed the sword from it's sheath. It was thin, sharp and shining silver, against the black of the handle. It was so sharp and finely crafted that when That Man rotated the blade, it disappeared momentarily, before reappearing as the width of the blade came back into view. Even when it did not appear to be moving, the blade hummed as though all air around it was being cut to ribbons.

"Should you encounter God, then God will be cut," Said That Man. "And now I must train you in Warrior Philosophy."

For the first time in what felt like an eternity, Tcutla's eyes left the grand masters samurai sword.

"What?" she said. "But I wanna use the cool sword!"

That Man ignored her.

"Death and martial combat is never a straight line. The way of the warrior is a forest, and like a forest it is easy to lose your path. To serve as a compass you must have a warrior philosophy, such as thatwhich can be found in the Yagu Ninja. And now, my yellow haired warrior, repeat after me…"

"**When engaged in combat the vanquishing of thine enemy can be the warrior's only concern...**"

With a great yet childish malice Tcutla repeated this. "When engaged in combat the vanquishing of thine enemy can be the warrior's only concern…"

"**...This is the first and cardinal rule of combat...**"

Tcutla repeated. "This is the first and cardinal rule of combat…"

".**..Suppress all human emotion and compassion...**"

"Must we do this?" Tcutla whined. That Man shot her a deathly glare.

"Of course women! Haven't you ever seen a kung fu-revenge movie before? Now repeat my wise mantra!"

"Very well… suppress all human emotion and compassion…" said Tcutla, bored.

"**...Kill whoever stands in thy way, even if that be Lord God, or Buddha himself...**"

"I will kill whoever stands in my way, even if it be the Lord God, or Buddha himself…"

"**This truth lies at the heart of the art of combat. Once it is mastered thou shall know no fear though the Devil himself may bar thy way...**"

"This truth lies at the heart of the art of combat. Once it is mastered I shall know no fear, though the Devil himself may bar my way."

Upon finishing this, Tcutla looked at the greatest weapon-smith on the earth.

"Domo."

That Man smiled at Tcutla.

"Congratulations, most strange Uma Thurman look-alike, your intensive training is complete."

"Seriously?" said Tcutla, confused. "That was pretty short."

"That's because it was very intensive."

"Don't you have any secret ancient Japanese techniques? There's got to be more to it than a few lines of philosophy."

"Hey, with this sword, all you do is swing it and stuff dies. Someone with your skill should be able to slay armies."

Tcutla shrugged and accepted the blade from That Man. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, even amongst this room of master-forged swords.

"This sword is called the ACROSS Blade. You will find no better, even if you were to travel to another world."

Tcutla removed the ACROSS Blade from it's sheath and swung the sword around a little bit. You could hear the molecules in the air being cut in half. She held it over her head triumphantly.

_And now it is time to show you what happened next. Before we get back to the present, I will show you the slaying of the first Fatal Cobra…_

**--------------- **

_TCUTLA GOT "ACROSS BLADE"!_

**_SHE FEELS HAPPY AND SLIGHTLY MORE PSYCHOTIC!  
_****_THIS PRICELESS WEAPON WAS FORGED BY THE SUPREME LEADER OF ACROSS – 'THAT MAN'. LEGEND SAYS IT HAS THE POWER TO CUT THE GODS._**

---------------

STATS

_'ACROSS Blade'  
Plus 265 Dmg  
Deals double damage to Fan Characters  
Deals triple damage to Bad Fan Characters  
Plus FiftyPercentMGK Res.  
Has aThirty-ThreePercent Chance of Unleashing "Whoop-Ass" Against Enemies_


	7. Chapter 6: Know Your Enemy

Our Feature Presentation:  
Philip Williams writes:

**KILL PHIL  
****A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.**

Chapter six:  
"Know Your Enemy"

It was Tokyo, and it was night. A black limo cruised through streets. Her trip to Japan nearing it's end, Beloved Fool decided to head to a nice club she'd spotted on her first day in the country. It catered to all sorts, so no doubt it would cater to her unusual entourage.

Beloved Fool tapped the glass and notified the driver to head to a new location. The driver, eyes hidden behind a black Kato mask, nodded in silence. As far as can be ascertained, his eyes were a strangely unusual pale shade of brown. Actually… they were nearly completely white…

_Now this was always going to be a fun nut to crack. The Beloved Fool enjoys, or enjoyed, heh, the protection of some of Phil's best guards._

_Attached as her personal guard, and ultimately the head of security, is Garnet…_

Sir Cerise Cranberry, the man now known as Lord Garnet, is descended from a noble order of European knights. He has a strong sense of honour, duty and history. Lord Garnet has searched the world over for opponents to battle, and eventually he somehow came under the employ of Phil. Lord Garnet is now extremely high-up in Phil's organisation.

_Just what 'organisation' he's part of is a mystery to me, because oddly enough, I don't think a group of fan authors qualify as an organisation…_

Lord Garnet is freakishly tall, and wears full plate mail. His greatsword is about the same size as a normal man.

_Temporally in charge of Beloved Fool's group of bodyguards is Rubus…_

Real name unknown. Rubus is fanatically dedicated to Phil and will gladly place himself in danger to fulfil the whims of his illustrious leader, whom he sees as a near-godlike figure. He is Lord Garnet's champion and ward, although the two don't always see eye to eye as Rubus, unlike Garnet, does not place as much importance into tradition. The only honour he feels compelled to follow is honour to his absolute master – Phil. Like Garnet he wears a full suit of knightly armour. He's also quite a psychotic fellow.

_His weapon of choice for tonight is a morning star._

Documenting the great adventures, assignments and fanfic writing done by Beloved Fool during her Japanese trip is a wannabe member of the Fatal Cobra Fanfic Squad…

_A girl that I'm gonna just call Sofie, since I don't know her real name. I think she's related to a Fatal Cobra or something. Who says nepotism is dead?_

-

SOFIE  
WISHES SHE WAS A MEMBER OF:  
**THE FATAL COBRA FANFIC SQUAD  
****CODENAME: Trainee**

-

_A protégé of Phil, she's been sent along with Beloved Fool in the hope that some of Beloved Fool's experience will rub off on her. Currently not even a qualified member of the Fatal Cobras, it's also possible that Phil wanted to warn her of the dangers inherited from the misuse of fanfiction._

_The bulk of the bodyguard that was given to Helen for the trip to Japan come to mind…_

_Now, I didn't have much information on them before I came face to face with them._

_But all is not what it seems…_

-

The limo pulled up next to a high-class restaurant. Two members of Helen's elite bodyguard climbed out of the front. One was wearing a black and white suit; his face covered by a Kato mask. The other was mostly hidden underneath a long red coat, orange glasses and a large red hat. Both – like all the bodyguards - had strangely pale skin and unusually long and dreamlike black hair…

More bodyguards, each dressed in stranger and stranger outfits, climbed out of the limo.

After five Power Rangers climbed out, so did the giant-sized warrior Lord Garnet. From underneath layers of heavy plate his piercing eyes scanned for any signs of hostiles. When he found none, Beloved Fool came out.

-

HELEN  
MEMBER OF:  
**THE FATAL COBRA FANFICTION SQUAD**  
CODENAME: _Beloved Fool_

-

Helen - a pretty girl with long hair coming past her shoulders, which was currently coloured an artificial pale blonde. It was styled in such a way as to hide her ears, but not obscure her face in anyway. She had a fake pair glasses on as well, a slim and expensive make, but lens-less. She wore a simple dark suit with a white shirt underneath. The cigar packet in her breast pocket had only been to highlight the character she'd dressed as.

The five Power Rangers - red, blue, green, yellow and pink – formed a protective circle around her. The bodyguard, tall and handsome, in the red coat tapped the guard in the Kato mask gently.

"Park the car and get right back," he smiled. "And don't forget your costume."

The Kato-masked bodyguard turned a slight red colour and nodded curtly. He opened the limo door and sat in the drivers seat, then drove off to find a parking space

The bodyguard in the red coat approached the bubble, Helen, Garnet and the brightly coloured team of bodyguards.

"Your orders, Master?"

"If I didn't know better," said Beloved Fool. "I'd say that you were beginning to enjoy this."

"Oh but I am," said the red-coated bodyguard. "I fit in so well in Japan!"

Beloved Fool smiled.

"Let's go inside. Rubus, Trainee Girl and a few more of the Krazy's have already found us some seats," she started to grin, then remembered to stay in character and suppressed it. But it was too much a temptation not to grin before she said it.

"Your Lord and Master commands it."

Beloved Fool waved her hand and gracefully strode forwards. She was a girl who knew what she wanted, and nobody had better get in her way. She was a fan author, damnit!

As one of the Power Ranger bodyguard held open the door and Beloved Fool entered the restaurant, a motorcycle pulled up on the other side of the street. The owner, or at least, the rider, dismounted but kept her helmet on. Until Beloved Fool and her entourage were inside then she removed it.

Tcutla casually threw the bright yellow helmet aside. The ACROSS Blade was inside its sheath, which was clipped to her outfit. Her outfit, a bright yellow jumpsuit, would no doubt soon be turned a different colour altogether…


	8. Chapter 7: SHOWDOWN at HOUSE OF AZURE FL...

Our Feature Presentation:  
Philip Williams writes:

**KILL PHIL  
****A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.**

Chapter seven:  
"Showdown at the House of Azure Flora"

Part One

_Glad you made it this far into the tale. This is what it's all about. This is the only reason I've bothered telling you everything else. This is why I'm here, this is what made me, this is the core of the story. Come, and listen to the long tale of the Showdown in the House of Azure Flora._

The House of Azure Flora, in Tokyo. It's a beautiful place, or was. The building, inside and out, is based on classic Japanese designs. The bottom floor of the restaurant is a large open area for dancing, served by a bar with a staged opposite. Tables are provided around the edges for those who need a break. The upper level has a full view of the bottom, but branches off into several private rooms for customers. People on the upper level can pick from a variety of beautiful – but expensive – dishes. Here is a place where crime lords gather and fan authors muse on their next project. Helen and her cosplay minions walked through the bottom floor, the crowd parting as she approached – who wants to get in the way of a bunch of crazy Power Rangers and a guy in a big red coat? Or a fully armoured knight for that matter. A frightened and gibbering waiter led them upstairs to their private eating room, where Rubus and several other costumed bodyguards were waiting, drunk.

Tcutla, clad in her yellow jumpsuit, entered the restaurant. None of the dancers paid much attention to her, and she slipped into the crowd unnoticed.

_Sometimes fortune truly smiles on something as violent and ugly as the release I give to people. At times like that it seems proof like no other that not only does God exist, but I'm doing his will. I started out knowing little of my newfound enemies, but the first name on my death list was almost too easy to find._

_But when one manages the difficult task of becoming queen of the anime fandom, one doesn't keep it a secret, does one?_

_From almost the beginning, she was backed by Phil both financially and philosophically, in her titanic power struggle with other crazed anime and manga fans. When all the struggle was over, it was Beloved Fool that was the victor._

Beloved Fool opened the door and saw her bodyguard laughing on the floor. They were drunk, and one was not wearing his costume. He had instead, perhaps absent-mindedly, switched back to the sharp black and white suit with Kato mask that was the uniform of the special bodyguard unit.

"Just what is going on here!"

Everyone became quiet.

"WHY…" she yelled, pointing at the out-of-costume back-in-uniform bodyguard. "Are YOU OUT OF COSTUME!"

"I…" he began.

"I DON'T CARE!"

Beloved Fool stopped and took several deep calming breaths. It didn't seem to be working.

"Now…" she said. "I'm going to say this in Japanese so you know how serious I am…"

"As your new master, I encourage you to - always in a respectful manner - to take time to get comfortable and relax in your new assignments. If you are tired and low on morale, tell me so and I promise that no request will be immediately discarded. But I will say this, and I will say this just once, right here and now, and only once: during a cosplay convention, you will ALWAYS wear your costumes! **ANY OF YOU BASTARDS BREAK THE COSTUME RULE ONE MORE TIME, I CUT OFF YOUR FUCKING HEAD! ****DO YOU HEAR ME!**"

The un-costumed bodyguard nodded.

"Anyone else here feel like not dressing up as anime character!"

No-one nodded. A mass shaking of heads.

"I thought so."

-

On the ground floor, the two musicians who were setting up their instruments noticed Tcutla.

"Dude," said Jack. "Is that Uma Thurman? Check her out man!"

Kyle spotted Tcutla and stared.

"Oh my god man!" he said. "It's Uma Thurman!"

"Damn!"

Kyle was entranced. "She's a goddess."

And Jack didn't exactly find her unattractive either.

"Okay dude, I got a plan," said Jack. "You want your goddess? Let's get you a goddess."

He connected the mike. The initial static deafened most of the people, but they recovered. The Uma Thurman look alike seemed unfazed though, she was staring, obsessed, at a room on the upstairs floor.

"This is a shout out Uma Thurman!" said Jack. "That gorgeous blonde in yellow! And the rest of you, take heed!"

He nodded to Kyle.

"Get the guitar man."

Kyle handed Jack a guitar and took another off their off-stage rack for himself.

"This one's for you babe," he said, pointing to Tcutla.

They started strumming. The music caught Tcutla's ear, but she tried to stay on target.

"This is for the greatest and best actress in the world..." sung Jack. "Uma Thurman."

_Just now me and my brother Kyle here,  
We were setting up, about to start our gig.  
All of a sudden, there shines the shiny Uma Thurman... in the middle... of the room._

Kyle twanged his guitar and produced a mystical sounding note.

"And she's so hot!" added Jack, becoming more and more engrossed in his song.

_So we'll play the best song in the world,  
So she'll bone Kyle here!_

"Well me and Kyle," sang Jack. "We're looking at each other, and for Uma Thurman we say…"

"**_Okay!_** "

They both started strumming louder.

_Now we're playing the first thing that comes into our heads,  
And it just so happens to be,  
The Best Song in the World, the Best Fucking Song in the World._

_Look into my eyes and it's easy to see,  
One and one make two, two and one make three,  
It is destiny._

_Like how once every hundred-thousand years or so,  
When the sun don't shine and the moon don't glow  
And the grass don't grow..._

_When he saw you Uma, KG was stunned.  
And whip-crack went my whoopy tail,  
And I knew what was to be done._

So come ask us: "Be you single?"

And we'll say, "**Yay, we are your men**."

In a fit of passionate vocalism, Jack leapt forwards to the front of the stage, tearing his shirt off. Several Japanese women squealed and nearly fainted at the sight.

"So, **_ROCK ON..._!**" Jack became a crazed singing madman.

'_**ONNNN ONNNN… Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah, ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh!**_'

_This is not The Greatest Song in the World, oh no,  
This is just a tribute,  
Couldn't remember The Greatest Song in the World, no, no,  
This is a tribute! Ohhh, to the greatest actress in the world oh oh,  
**Uma!** You are the greatest actress in the world,  
**Kill Bill!** It was the best muthafuckin' movie in the world,_

Jack reached his hands out to audience, inviting them closer to hear his tale.

_And the peculiar thing is this my friends:  
The song we're singing probably can't be understood  
By anyone around._

He leapt back into the centre of the stage with Kyle, and the song picked up it's pace again.

_This is all in English! You gotta believe me,  
I wish you could speak it!  
But you can't understand me,_

_Ah, fuck!_

_Good God,  
God lovin',  
But I'd be so surprised to find you can't hear it though Uma!_

They both reached a frenzy, and then the song began to wind down to a finish.

"Dude, she's heading upstairs," said Kyle. "What if she doesn't like me?"

"Don't worry Kyle," said Jack. "That babe 'll be back."

_Well those wannabe musicians were quite an annoyance, weren't they? I ignored them, but because they were singing about me – or someone who looks like me – I had to take it slow, stealthy climbing the hanging stairs up to the second floor. I knew precisely which room Helen was in and, crouching beside it, I started listening into the conversation with intent…_

Inside the private Japanese dining room was Helen, Garnet, Rubus and no less than ten bodyguards. The bodyguards were the bodyguards, one wearing a red coat and orange glasses, five as Power Rangers, one wearing small crescent glasses, dressed in a sweeping light blue cape, with his hair dyed white. Another was dressed casually, and had an afro wig on, and another still was dressed as an army soldier with a "BLSO" logo stitched on. The last one was wearing a skin-tight plug suit, and his normally wild black hair cut short and slightly brown.

_The mop tops in cosplay are Beloved Fool's bodyguards, called "The Krazy 88." I guess now I should tell you that the deal with them is…_

Helen sensed something…

_Wait…_

She took out a small throwing dagger and threw it right at the door, right where Tcutla had been listening…

_How did that bitch know?_

"Garnet, go have a look."

The massive superhuman silently stood up, opened the door, and looked around the empty walkway. All traces of Tcutla were gone.

"Nothing," he shrugged, and closed the door behind him.

_But I'm not without a few tricks of my own._

Tcutla dropped down from the ceiling. That was a close one, she thought.

"Garnet, where is Sofie?" Tcutla heard Beloved Fool ask.

"She should be at the bar, Mistress Helen."

_End of Chapter. It looks like this scene was too big a tale for me to tell you in just one chapter. Tune in next for the rip-roaring conclusion to this epic battle._

_- Signed,  
__The Crazed Uma Thurman Look Alike  
_**xxx**


	9. Chapter 8: SHOWDOWN at HOUSE OF AZURE FL...

Our Feature Presentation:  
Philip Williams writes:

**KILL PHIL  
****A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.**

Chapter eight:  
"Showdown at the House of Azure Flora"

Part Two

_Welcome back. Let's recap:_

_Helen is upstairs with the Templar Knights Rubus and Garnet, and some of her bodyguard. We'll talk about them soon, I promise. They're all a little tipsy by now, but if what I've heard about her bodyguard is correct that probably doesn't make much of a difference…_

_That Trainee Girl was ordering something, but has just gone into the bathroom. Opposite the bar is the stage, where two annoying musicians are trying and failing to serenade me. There's plenty of Japanese natives dancing, but not too many. This must not be a busy night, and anyway no-one would want to be too close to the private army of the Fatal Cobras. The restaurant, although laid out like a Western club slash dining establishment, is completely made up with traditional Japanese styles. Paper white walls separate the private dining quarters upstairs for example._

_I remember that, at the time, I was really looking forward to kicking someone through one of those walls…_

Noticing Sofie enter restroom area, Tcutla seized on the opportunity and followed her. Sofie, and Tcutla stalking just out of view, exited from the main room and left into one of the less frequented hallways. She turned and entered a room on the right, the girls' bathroom. Tcutla did not enter, she propped herself against the wall and waited for her prey.

_This bit takes a few minutes…_

Eventually Sofie came out and moved to return back to the main room. Tcutla thrust out her arm and blocked her passage.

"Can I help you?" asked Sofie.

"I'm looking for the scribe for Beloved Fool. Would you happen to know her?"

"Why yes," said Sofie. "Actually, that's me."

Tcutla punched her in the face.

-

_And what is Beloved Fool and her squaddies doing during this almost pointless act of gratuitous violence? Why, they've formed their own rap group of course!_

"Bounce wit it!" hiccupped a bodyguard dressed as Duo from Gundam Wing.

Another, dressed in a blue plug suit, attempted to sing some lyrics to a tune hummed by one of the Power Rangers. Unfortunately it came out as a blur of pure nothingness.

_For the sake of sanity, those garbled lyrics shall not be printed here._

Helen giggled and laughed at her amusing servants.

When, all of a sudden...

-

"Dude, this is just like that movie!" shouted Jack, worried

"You mean Kill Bill?" said Kyle, also very worried.

"No, I mean The Game of Death. Check out that Uma Thurman look-alikes outfit!"

"Maybe we should get out of here…" suggested Kyle.

-

All of a sudden, there was a very loud commotion in the main room. Helen screamed for quiet. From the main room, the powerful roar of a she-wolf was heard:

"**BELOVED FOOL! YOU AND I HAVE… BUSINESS**"

Outraged by this, Helen stood up. Her bodyguard followed her out of the room.

And…

In the centre of the main room, which was now almost empty of guests, was Sofie, her arm stretched out. But, there was someone behind her…

Tcutla stepped out from behind Sofie.

"Who the?" mumbled Helen.

Garnet and Rubus stood by their mistresses side. The bodyguard dressed as Power Rangers stood on the middle of the staircase, guarding her. The other five bodyguard, dressed as Duo, Shinji, Arucard, Joker and a crappy cardboard Gundam respectively, formed another wall at the bottom of the stairs.

Tcutla grabbed Sofie's arm forcefully. Sofie whimpered, but could not offer any resistance at all.

"Beloved Fool! I'm sure you don't need to hear the details," yelled Tcutla. "But for my money, my employer and my pleasure, you will die now!"

_And to prove I'm not bluffing…_

In one graceful twirling movement of the arm, Tcutla gripped, unsheathed and swung her sword. Sofie screamed. Her left arm fell to the floor. The stump of her arm squirted out arterial blood like a fountain. The young girl fell to the floor, screaming in absolute pain, creating a larger pool of blood around her. The nearby walls were stained with her blood.

"You bastard!" screamed Beloved Fool. "You dare attack an affiliate of the Fatal Cobra Fanfiction Squad! I'LL SEE YOU ROASTED IN THE DEEPEST PIT OF HELL!"

"Nice Integra impression," commented the Arucard-dressed bodyguard.

"Really? You think so?" said Beloved Fool. She smiled. "_But enough of that…_"

Tcutla span her blade around in her arms, shaking the blood off it.

"This really is a well-made blade!" she commented.

"You heartless bitch!"

"I get that a lot."

The last of the screaming guests ran out. Helen made an announcement to them:

"I'm sorry everybody, but I'm afraid we're going to have to close the place. There's some private business matters that we must attend to now."

Tcutla, the mysterious group of bodyguard, Beloved Fool and her two henchman all held their ground without moving a muscle. Now the entire restaurant known as "The House of Azure Flora," was deserted of every human not engaged in the face-off that precedes the combat.

"I trust you know about my bodyguard?"

"I've heard stories."

Helen waved her finger at Tcutla.

"Ah-ah-ah, stories can be _so_ misleading. I think you'll find the Krazy 88 are much more deadly than any rumour can make them seem."

"Krazy 88? Is that what they call themselves?"

"Don't get cocky women!" snarled Beloved Fool. "Don't you have any idea of who you're dealing with?"

Tcutla smirked. With her ACROSS Blade, she pointed to Sofie, lying in the pool of her own blood, whimpering and cradling her lost limb.

"Very well then," said Beloved Fool. "An introduction then,"

She clapped.

"Costumes off then boys, switch back to uniforms."

In one seamless motion, the bodyguard grabbed a part of their anime outfits and yoinked them off. In a strange, perhaps near-magical, movement of the hand they pulled off, without ripping, their outfits. In place of their anime outfits they now all wore black and white suits, with Japanese Kato masks covering. Clipped to their outfits were swords of various makes. Every single one of the Krazy 88 looked the same; unusually pale skin, midnight black hair, and a strange pale-whiteness clouding their eyes. All had an identical dreadlock hairstyle.

"Ten Krazy 88 and two super-sized armoured knights, versus one film star look alike with a sword," smiled Helen. "Hardly fair."

"Hardly fair," repeated Tcutla, a mocking tone in her voice. Beloved Fool's eyes narrowed.

"Virus Tom," said Helen, pointing to one of the Krazy 88. "**_Kill_**"

The Krazy 88 member raised his samurai sword high and charged, screaming a banzai scream. Tcutla turned to face him, the screaming fool. She slowly raised her ACROSS Blade into a striking position…

The Krazy 88 member swung his sword and… Tcutla swung hers. The ACROSS Blade cut straight through the inferior blade of the Krazy 88 member.

Tcutla cut her way into his abdomen and sadistically twisted the blade around a bit, making the young man scream. She pushed him off the blade and he landed, gargling on his back, quickly running out of vital fluids. Tcutla looked at the dying member, and – with a sharp kick – knocked his body into one of the decorative ponds near the bar.

Beloved Fool looked at Tcutla, her eyes filling with indescribable anger. She barked another order, to all of the Krazy 88.

"**_Tear the bitch apart!_**"

The nine other members yelled and drew their weapons. Tcutla jumped back and made sure she took everything in. The Krazy 88 moved to surround her. They formed a circle, a swords length away from Tcutla, and paused. Tcutla took the initiative. She thrust her blade into one of the Krazy 88's chest, killing him, then pulled it out and blocked an attack by another. She ran out of the circle, and cut across the heart of another member with her ACROSS Blade, incapacitating him. She had to block a furious assault by two of the Krazy 88, but she did skilfully, and ducked low and cut off the legs of one of them. Then she kicked a chair at the sword-wielding mob and leapt onto one of the circular tables near the bar. The Krazy 88 attacked, but Tcutla deflected the first blow easily and sliced off the head of the attacker. She blocked again and again, and cut off another head. The five remaining members swung their swords, and rather than try to block them Tcutla gracefully leapt off the table. She landed behind one of the bodyguards and cut off his head as well. She blocked another attack, then counter-attacked and removed an entire arm. The last two came from both sides, but Tcutla blocked a sword swing from one of the attackers and disabled another with a strong high-kick to the throat. Whilst the one of the last two Krazy 88 gasped for breath, Tcutla blocked and blocked the attacks of the other.

_**Cling! Cling!**_

The metal clashed, until the Krazy 88's samurai blade could take no more. The ACROSS Blade cut straight through it and embedded itself into his skull. Tcutla pulled the blade out, taking several fragments of the skull with it, and proceeded to remove the head of the last, gasping member of the Krazy 88.

The main room was more or less coated in the blood of the fallen.

Tcutla looked at her blade, completely covered in the blood of all ten of the Krazy 88. She looked at Garnet, Rubus and finally, Beloved Fool.

"So," said Tcutla to Beloved Fool. "Which one of them do you want to die first?"

Rubus pulled out his heavy morning star. Garnet took out his ridiculously oversized great sword. Helen smiled.

But, just then… the long, heavy droning sound of motors echoed throughout the restaurant. Cars and fast motorbikes, mainly. There was a hideous screech as every single vehicle skidded to a halt at the same time. Car door slammed; followed by loud boot-like foot steps, as though an army were approaching. It was. Reinforcements.

"Disabling ten Krazy 88 members before they even have a chance to show off their real power," said Beloved Fool. "You didn't think it would really be this easy, did you?"

"You know, for a second there," said Tcutla, catching her breath. "Yeah, I did."

"Silly rabbit…" Helen smiled; the sort of smile an evil genius gets while they stroke their fluffy white cat. 

"…_Trix are for kids."_


	10. Chapter 9: SHOWDOWN at HOUSE OF AZURE FL...

Our Feature Presentation:  
Philip Williams writes:

**KILL PHIL  
****A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.**

Chapter nine:  
"Showdown at the House of Azure Flora"

Part Three

_I'm going to try to describe what my exact feelings were at this moment in time._

_Pretty eager I guess. Excited. I could feel one mother of a battle approaching._

_Ten Krazy 88 bodyguards, formerly in black and white suits and Kato masks, lie dead all over the room; over tables, on the dance floor, face down in the decorative ponds… you get the idea. One of Phil's protégé, Sofie, has wriggled behind a pillar. I believe she's trying to nurse the still bleeding stump of her arm. Helen, Garnet and Rubus stand as gods at the top of the staircase to the private rooms. Damn I hate them. The ten Krazy 88 members are dead, but right now, I don't think that's the whole membership. There's a lot of motor noises outside, or was. Now there's just the march and stamp of shoes. Sounds like an army. The Beloved Fool thinks she's won. _

_Maybe she has. That's what I thought at the time._

_**It is time…**_

The rest of the Krazy 88 burst in. All _**one-hundred and forty** _of them.

Helen's smile was pure evil.

-

**PRESENTING **

-

"Crazy Uma Thurman look-alike, I want you to meet…" said Beloved Fool.

-

**Available to the public…**

-

"…the rest of my bodyguard…"

-

**For the first time…**

-

"…as well as the Krazy 88, they are also known as…"

-

_**"THE TOMS"**_

-

"_The Toms_?" said Tcutla in disbelief.

"That is the true name of the Krazy 88. Did you not wonder why they changed from cosplay to uniform so gracefully?"

"I thought they were just a myth, the mystical beings that fought their own kind in the Tower of London…" Tcutla looked at the bloodied ACROSS Blade. "I thought I might have to come against them. That was why I forged this blade after all."

"But a part of you never expected to actually fight them?" said Beloved Fool, enjoying a delicious feeling, like a bloodhound cornering a helpless animal. "Tell me, what do you know about _The Toms_?"

"I know that I just killed ten of them easily enough. Given the lack of any real difficulty, how much harder could killing fourteen times that number be?"

"I'd smirk and say fourteen times harder," said Helen. "But what makes you think you actually killed any of them?"

Tcutla looked around the room. Various Toms of the Krazy 88 had gathered around the bodies of their fallen brothers. Tcutla noticed that they really did all look the same. _They might as well be the same person. But then again, if the stories are true…_

"What are they doing?" said Tcutla.

Helen tapped her nose knowingly. Her body language conveyed a sense of wait and see. She was very smug.

Around the room, one of the Toms held his hands of the body – or pieces – of one of the ten fallen Toms. Then, as one being, the groups all shouted the same phrase.

"**_REVIVE!_**"

There was a bright flash of light in ten different points in the room. Body parts reassembled, limbs reattached, cuts healed, organs repaired. The ten dead Toms got back up, grabbed their weapons, and joined their brethren at the foot of the staircase, just out of the bloodied dance floor. Tcutla was shocked.

"I'm gonna ask you a question," said Tcutla, to Helen. "And I want a simple answer since I don't understand, read, enjoy or even like fanfiction. Just what the hell are these things?"

Helen opened her mouth to speak, but one of the Toms in the front butted in.

"I'll handle this!" he shouted. His demeanour then shifted from loud to quiet and reflective. Imagine asking an abused orphan about his childhood. "I am Master Celestial Tom, highest ranking Tom and leader of The Toms until the time when our original returns… Tom-Tom"

"Tom-Tom!" said the other kneeling Toms, their voices filled with revered awe. "First of The Toms!"

"Master Celestial Tom?" muttered Tcutla.

"We are theone-hundred and fiftyalternate versions of Tom! And we can make copies! And there's other versions that haven't been discovered!" boasted Master Celestial Tom. "We're half-vampire magic users that, by the way, have NO vampire needs or weaknesses whatsoever!"

So it was all true, every rumour.

Tcutla cursed under her breath.

"Oh, god no…" said Tcutla. "They're all _Mary-Sues_…"

"But our childhoods were so tragic…"

"…really bad ones!" exclaimed Tcutla.

But none of the Toms listened to Tcutla's horrified protests. They locked themselves in 'Sue Angst Mode'.

"Oh sure I - that is to say _we -_ had a normal childhood," said Master Celestial Tom, who looked exactly the same as all the other Toms. "But we never really knew our parents. Also, bullying was commonplace. With the exception of my two closest friends who don't appear in this fic because they're not important at all, I had no friends whatsoever! I was _so_ alone. Apart from those close friends of course, but they don't count."

"Why?"

"Because I'm trying to endear myself to the audience, stupid!"

"Look, can we just fight now?"

But the Toms had stopped listening again.

"Oh! I was hated by everyone where I grew up. And despite my LIMITLESS…"

"And we can't stress the word LIMITLESS enough!" added another Tom.

"…I let them all get away with it so many times. I was so sad, but they also made me so ANGRY…"

"That's how I was created, from his anger!" shouted one of the Toms.

"Me too!" shouted another. Obviously there hadn't been enough ill-thought out clichés for one per Tom.

"I was absolutely hated because of my half-vampire origins! Nobody liked me!" said Master Celestial Tom.

"Someone just kill me now…!" cried Tcutla.

The Toms felt the urge to add to their clichéd tale of woe:

"And whenever I was insolent I was either locked in a cupboard or beaten with pointy sticks. Pretty standard really."

"Yeah, pretty standard for your kind of character!" said Tcutla, rolling her eyes. "What movie did you steal that dialogue from anyway?"

"You see, in case you haven't noticed, we've half-vampire and half-human, but we have absolutely NONE of the weaknesses that vampires have. We walk in sunlight and don't need blood, but we have all the strengths of a vampire. Plus we have… what is it guys?"

"**_SUPER - VAMPIRE - SPIRIT - MAGIC!_**" cried all of the other one hundred and forty-nine Toms in perfect unison.

Tcutla, having lost all hope, shrugged.

"Well, I guess it could be worse. You could have included a torture or rape plot in there somewhere," she said.

"Now it's funny that you should mention that…" said one of the Toms. Tcutla groaned. "Apparently that was how we were born, because when our father was on patrol he was captured and gang raped by a large group of extremely sexy half-naked vampire women."

It even hurt Helen's ears to hear that unnecessary piece of back story. Her wincing seemed to indicate to Tcutla that the Toms had just invented it on the spot, possibly to appear even more interesting. Why it had to be half-naked sexy vampire women though…

"You aren't Helen's creations are you?" Tcutla asked rhetorically. "You were all written by a reclusive fourteen year old weren't you? The sort of weird kid that collects pornographic clip-outs and who no-one likes to talk to much?"

"…and it was about then that I realised that I was part of an ancient prophecy…"

Tcutla screamed. She felt like her head was about to explode. Had she died and gone straight to _Hell_?

"Well, I'll leave you all to get acquainted," said Beloved Fool, no longer able to stand the horrid dialogue her bodyguards were spouting. "Garnet, Rubus, guard the dining room interior and make sure my tea doesn't get cold. I'll be outside in the private garden."

She opened the door to the dining room, Garnet and Rubus followed her. Helen disappeared. Tcutla was left alone, with one-hundred and fifty extremely unpleasant Marty Stus.

"Now, let us show you our real power!" yelled Master Celestial Tom. Every other Tom pulled out their katana blades and posed around the stairs

"But first," he said. "The Register!"

He unfolded a massive scroll; it was so long it rolled all the way down to the blood-stained floor.

"And now I shall see who is present, so that we may combine forms and transform into an ever-more powerful version of ourselves!" he announced.

"It's great that you're in Japan," said Tcutla. "Because you're ripping off every Japanese cliché in the book."

Master Celestial Tom took no notice – he did not appear interested in much apart from himself.

"Now, let us see who is here…"

"Light Tom?"

"Here."

"Dark Tom?"

"Here."

**TWO HOURS LATER…**

_Chaos, Bio, Ash_… every cliché you can picture. Master Celestial Tom went through them all. _Metal Tom_ and _Robo Tom_ were there, so was _Virus Tom, Amoeba Tom, Ruby Tom, Blue Tom, White Tom, Black Tom…_

_So many Toms…_

Tcutla felt exhausted just thinking about it.

It was somewhere after Hyper Light Tom and Cowboy Tom (Yee-haw) that Master Celestial Tom reached the final name on the list:

"Order Tom?"

But no-one raised their hand or said 'here'.

"Damnit!" yelled Master Celestial Tom. "Where is Order Tom!"

-

**Downtown Tokyo**

Order Tom, stuck in the middle of traffic, honked his horn. He opened his window and leaned out the side.

_Honk! Honk!_

"**_Move it you bastards, I'm late for work!_**".

_HONK! HONK!_

Cut Back To The Restaurant…

-

Master Celestial Tom was very disappointed.

"It appears there's only one-hundred and fifty of us," he turned his attention away from Tcutla and to the rest of the Toms. "We're one Tom off. Looks like we won't be turning into our ultimate final form today."

"You mean…" said one of the Toms.

"Yes," said Master Celestial Tom. "We will not be transforming ourselves into _SuperHyperUltraMegaDivineCelestial Tom…"_

And just to make sure the ultimate-ness of the ultimate form of Tom was not lost on Tcutla, he had something to add onto that name.

"…**_X!_**"

At this point, Tcutla is almost completely asleep. You have to admire someone who can sleep while standing up.

Funny, she's almost cute when she's not killing people.

But, with the Toms no longer talking, she jerked herself back into consciousness and adopted a fighting pose. They had to be, without a doubt, the single dullest characters ever.

But they had a killer instinct. A battle-eager Tom charged her, she cut him down.

Another charged, she cut him down.

Then she resumed her fighting pose, her blood soaked ACROSS Blade ready for more. She held out her hand, **_stop_**.

"I have just one question," said Tcutla. "What's with the suits and Kato masks?"

"That's our Fatal Cobra bodyguard uniforms, as specified by Phil," answered Disco Tom.

"The Kato masks average our powers between the group," added Divine Tom.

"Some Toms, like one of the Celestial Toms or a Divine Tim, could easily destroy an entire galaxy…" said Dust Tom.

"…other ones, like Karaoke Tom and Amoeba Tom, are only good with specialist activities, like singing, dancing or holding massive rock festivals," said Ultra Dark Tom.

"Of course, most Toms can master anything in minutes provided they angst a little bit, then eventually try the activity after being talked into it by a sexy female…" said Super Order Tom.

"But some Toms exist to ruin more specialist fan-universes, so the control over their warrior abilities and their Super Vampire Spirit Magic™ is more limited," said Hyper Paladin Tom.

"But when all we wear these magical Kato masks our powers are effectively levelled," said Silver Tom.

"And make us all look the same," said Mutant Tom.

"But that just helps make us an ideal bodyguard unit," said Liche Tom.

"Like our original…" said Mega Radiation Tom. "Whose name is… _Tom-Tom: First of The Toms_!"

"_Tom-Tom, First of The Toms…_" sighed all of the Toms.

"Okay!" yelled Tcutla, annoyed and slightly panicky. "Let's not get off track!"

"All right we'll start fighting you now," said one of the Toms, acknowledging Tcutla for once. "But first, everyone take a nice deep breath."

Collectively, all of the Toms breathed in, then out.

"Now ready your weapons…"

All of the Toms held up their katana blades…

"Okay, **_now for real!_**"


	11. Chapter 10: SHOWDOWN at HOUSE OF AZURE F...

Our Feature Presentation:  
Philip Williams writes:

**KILL PHIL  
****A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.**

Chapter ten:  
"Showdown at the House of Azure Flora"

Part Four

_This is Tcutla. I'm still stuck in this restaurant. I killed the Krazy 88 and threw them into the koi ponds around the edge of the room, but Beloved Fool's not without her tricks. Now I'm stuck in this restaurant, surrounded by one-hundred and fifty arrogant male Mary Sues…_

_I'm not afraid of a bunch of God Stus. They've lived their angsty charmed existences unafraid of mortal danger. Look in their milky eyes, there is no fear. The Toms know no fear. Well they should. Because this night they've up against the She-Wolf, the Lioness… The Crazed Uma Thurman Look Alike…_

Collectively, all of the Toms breathed in, then out.

All one hundred and forty eight Toms stood on one side of the dance floor (two had just died after launching a pre-emptive charge). Tcutla stands, alone but courageous, on the other side of the dance floor. It's a spaghetti western-style showdown…

"Now ready your weapons…"

All of the Toms held up their katana blades…

And then, Master Celestial Tom gave the order…

"Okay, **_now for real!_**"

-

"_THE CRAZED UMA THURMAN LOOK ALIKE"_

VS_  
"THE TOMS"_

-

ALL of the Toms charge Tcutla AT THE SAME TIME.

Tcutla fought back, parried and dodged several sword attacks. One of the Toms swiped a sword at her head: she dodged it and swiped back, cutting open the belly of the Tom, who screamed in agony and then fell backwards. Then she rolled out of the way of the attacks of the other five Toms who had managed to get within attack range.

Tcutla tried to run around the mass of Toms chasing her. She stabbed one Tom in the chest – he stared at the gaping hole in his torso before collapsing onto the dance floor. She leapt onto the bar, and kicked a bottle of alcohol into the black-clad mass of Toms. The Toms swarmed around the bar, trying to hack away at Tcutla's legs. She jumped all of them, and easily decapitated five Toms with a few strokes of her Sue-killing ACROSS Blade. A Tom leapt onto the bar. Whilst evading and leaping between the sword swipes of the Toms around her, Tcutla cut off the arms, then head, then right leg of the Tom on the bar in three smooth, seamless movements. He squealed and leaked arterial all blood over his compatriots, then collapsed into a pile with his severed limbs. The action built up to a crescendo, then…

**Everyone paused.**

Suddenly everything had turned black and white. Tcutla cursed under her breath.

"Damn censors."

She leapt off of the bar, past all the Toms, and skidded to a halt on the dance floor. The Toms gave chase. Tcutla killed one berserker Tom, but started running. She ran up the stairs. Two Toms used their half-vampire athletic powers to leap onto the stairs. It was a vain attempt to block her path. The She-Wolf had anticipated them, and one Tom was cut in half before his feet even touched the stairs. Tcutla slashed at the other Tom, but he blocked it. The other Toms were closing in fast. Tcutla quickly feigned, then cut open the crafty Tom. The way was clear: she ran up the stairs onto the upper level, where the wooden walkways overlooked the main room.

_I'm a bit tired of looking at black and white gore._

"Switch to the Japanese script!"

After much fiddling, the scene switches back into colour.

The enormous gang of Toms were massing around the stairs. There was so many of them: _136_. On the upper floor the walkways were so narrow they'd have no choice but to fight Tcutla one on one though. Even on the staircase only six could engage Tcutla at a time, and she had a height advantage. With one stroke she killed two Toms easily. More Toms flooded in; Tcutla found herself parrying a more katana blades then she cared to count. With extreme concentration, she walked backwards along the walkway, fighting a Tom every step of the way.

She blocked an attack, then attacked back, all the while walking backwards. The Tom was fast though, and blocked her attack. She quickly hit again; this time the power of the ACROSS Blade cut straight through the katana and into the Tom. The next Tom rushed in, eager for combat. Tcutla gave him a sharp high kick to the face, then followed up with a punch that knocked him off the walkway. The Tom fell facedown into a decorative koi pond below, where small amounts of claret leaked into the water.

The next Tom was despatched easy enough with a stabbing motion to the forehead. Tcutla's yellow jumpsuit was red all over.

_Just below is a table used by some of the customers…_

Tcutla side flipped over the banister and landed, perfectly balanced, onto one of the wooden tables below. It took a while for the Toms to turn their charge around run back into the main room down the stairs. The table that Tcutla was stood on was large, solid, wooden and round. The Toms charged in a large column formation. Tcutla cut down four of them; they then tried to surround her. Tcutla took the offensive: she ducked low and spun her blade around; cutting off the heads, slitting the throats or butchering the chests of every Tom in contact with the table. Eleven Toms fell to the ground. Each sported a grievous and fatal wound.

Now that there was a gap between Tcutla and the remaining Everyone paused and glanced at the dead and wounded in piles across the room. Tcutla somersaulted off the table and landed in the middle of the room. She bowed. Four of the Toms pulled out scorecards.

_'10', '9', '10' and '7'. SEVEN? Oh, he is SO going to die next…_

The Toms ran in again. Tcutla hit the floor and started spinning around. With a complicated martial arts / break-dancing manoeuvre, she cut of the legs and lower torsos off of six Toms. The other Toms backed off from her somewhat. Tcutla roared and charged through the Toms towards the staircase. She impaled one and used him as her half-dead Mary Sue shield. She ran up the stairs, and threw the body back to the pursuing Toms. It blunted the Toms advance somewhat, but their sheer numbers meant such tactics were ultimately doomed to failure. Tcutla leapt onto the banister and let the Toms charge her.

_Cling! Cling!_ The ACROSS Blade easily stopped their katana attacks. 

With perfect balance, Tcutla walked along the walkway banister. She walked backwards, like before. Like before she was also avoiding the attacks of a particularly bloodthirsty Tom. _Cut! Slice! Parry! Slice!_ Three Toms fell down, dead.

Metal flashed whenever her blade met an enemies, but most of the time it simply cut through and killed her Mary Sue opponent. By the time Tcutla had walked halfway along the walkway, fifteen Toms had died, or else been incapacitated. Tcutla was now nearing the end of the walkway, and all of the Toms had made their way onto the top level with her. She could take the fight into one of the side rooms – not advised, she could leap back down onto one of the bar tables – already been done, or she could try something a little more daring…

All the Toms were filling the walkway. Tcutla ran along the banister, right across the line of Toms…

They tried to attack her, but she jumped and ran too fast. It took perfect balance. Tcutla felt she owed something to That Man and his training. Or maybe it was her years of experience? Along the way she randomly hit out at Toms. No fewer than nine Toms died; with horrifying gashes covering their once gorgeous faces. Tcutla jumped and landed behind the Tom at the end. She cut his surprised head off, then the one belonging to the Tom in front of him. The next Tom blocked her attack, then Tcutla's next attack. Even though Tcutla's lightning movements could barely be seen, he still blocked, and his katana did not break. Tcutla lashed at him with her blade, but they became locked. The Tom stared straight into Tcutla's blackened soul with strangely snake-like eyes…

"End of the line for _yousssss_…" he hissed.

His katana screeched as the ACROSS Blade dug into it. Knowing that time was of the essence, Tcutla just punched him in the face instead. The next Tom used a horizontal sword swipe, but his clumsy wide arc completely missed and gave Tcutla the chance to plunge her blade straight into his stomach. Tcutla made a break for it; she leapt back onto the banister and slid down the staircase, cutting the head off of an idle Tom on her way.

_Eighty one left. My arm is beginning to hurt…_

The Toms charged Tcutla again. They ran down the stairs and flooded the downstairs area.

_Do they ever learn?_

Tcutla chopped off the arm of one…

_No. No they don't._

…and grabbed another by the neck. She used him as a shield to stop Toms attacking her back. Five Toms in front of her died from a single slick movement of hand and steel. Tcutla flipped over her captive Tom and engaged the Toms behind her. She blocked several attacks and retaliated, killing a Tom. _Cling!_ Another blow blocked. She cut the head off another Tom…

_Sure is fun cutting off heads…_

Tcutla flipped over the hostage Tom again and attacked. Three heads left their bodies. Before the Toms had time to react, Tcutla had flipped over to the other side again. The swords of the Toms stabbed Tcutla's captive instead, who shrieked in pain, quite loudly.

Tcutla dropped to the floor and cut the legs off of three Toms in front of her. She was showered in blood and entrails, but it took all the Toms by surprise and removed an immediate threat. Some Toms tried to attack, but they were blocked by her brilliant swordplay. The floor was so slick with blood, Tcutla found that she could twist around perfectly. She spun herself around, hacking at the Toms and cutting off the arm of one, until her feet touched a corpse (or a large piece of one at least). Tcutla blocked an attack, then pushed with all of her might against the corpse. She slid along the bloody floor, straight underneath the Toms. As she slid along, she held her sword up and slit one Tom from the groin to the stomach.

"_Ohh_… me General and Colonels!" shouted the Tom, before falling down dead.

Putting pressure on her back, Tcutla leapt to her feet.

_Did you think the groin slitting was fun? I know I sure did!_

Tcutla liked her last attack so much that when the next Tom came within reach she used her blade to deliver a devastating bottom to top vertical blow. From the groin to the head, the Tom was cut in half. His pieces fell apart in different directions. His intestines, and even his heart, were in cut perfectly two.

The Toms charged. They were a neat semi-circle in Tcutla's arc of attack. She slit open nine Toms in one attack. Now quite weary of her, the rest of the Toms kept their distance.

Eyes were narrowed. Swords glinted. It was a stand-off again. Tcutla held her sword up so that it blocked out view of her face, then shook some of the blood and entrails off of her ACROSS Blade. She then twisted it, so that it's thin edge was facing the Toms. They saw her evil demonic smile. The She-Wolf grinned like a hyena.

Tcutla held out her sword at arms length, then assumed a different fighting pose in the style of traditional Japanese samurai. Her sword was just over her shoulders. She adjusted her style again, now her blade was pointing to her left, so that she would be able to better parry all blows to her chest and hips. Tcutla smiled. In a single instant, she moved her blade, and there was a cutting sound.

The ten Toms closest to her dropped dead. Bits slid off.

"That's what I like to call a quick attack," said Tcutla calmly.

Then five more Toms died. Their heads fell off their shoulders.

"Too slow," mocked Tcutla. "You're far too slow."

Tcutla noticed that the Toms nearly had her blocked in a corner. There was only a small chance to escape so…

Tcutla ran. She ran up the side of the wall and avoided crashing through one of the Toms. Tcutla leapt behind the bar.

"That was a pretty nasty trick, trying to corner me like that," she said.

"Yeah well," said one Tom. "We're bastards!"

Tcutla picked up a very weighty whiskey bottle and threw it at the Tom that spoke. It hit him smack in the forehead. The glass shattered and the Tom fell to the ground. Either unconscious or dead; he was definitely bleeding.

_That was fun…_

Tcutla twisted her blade and used the flat of it to knock another bottle into the mass of the Toms. It hit one, and another Mary Sue hit the ground.

Tcutla remembered what That Man had said days before:

_'You like Samurai swords, I like baseball.'_

In quick succession, Tcutla hit several bottles (which had been handily laid out in a linear fashion by the barkeep) with the flat of her blade.

'_Thank you, Master,' _thought Tcutla.

_'I'm just your memory, Tcutla. I'm not actually That Man. It's not like I can give you any extra information.'_

_Smash! Smash! Smash! Smash!_ Each of the heavy bottles hit a Tom in the face or other vital area, and shattered. The other Toms were all covered in alcohol, and stank of cheap booze.

_It was right then that I had an idea. There was something weighing down my jumpsuit pocket. And I don't mean just the blood._

Tcutla reached into her right pocket and fumbled around. She pulled out something that she'd been keeping on her person for several years now. A golden cigarette lighter.

_I never felt the urge to hang up the golden cigarette lighter / gun. That great assassin who'd once seen men tremble before him, died by my hands in a dishonourable way unbefitting of such a great killer. I've always kept his golden trinket with me. This is perhaps the closest I've ever came to feeling guilt. There's only one golden bullet left inside mind. But right now I'm just happy it's a fully functional lighter as well._

Tcutla smirked. The Toms knew what was coming. Their eyes widened like rabbits. Fear was quite a new emotion to them. Tcutla, the She-Wolf of the Jaded Falcon Kill Team, had introduced it to them. She callously flicked on and threw the lighter into the gaggle of Toms and then threw herself onto the ground…

'_**BOOOM!'**_

The shockwave and heat hit Tcutla even though she was crouched behind the bar. Several bodies were propelled right over the bar. Tcutla knew that she'd – properly literally – ripped the heart straight out of her foes. When she looked up, all of the Toms were on fire: every last one. Their screams of pain, agony and torment filled the room. It was horrible and blood-curdling. Tcutla loved every second of it.

_As I threw the lighter at them, they had seemed like rabbits. Now, their powers all but vanished, running around on fire, they seem more like headless chickens._

**_AHH! ARGH!_** Several Toms collapsed, their strength gone, and died. Their burnt, charred flesh stank. Their bodies shrivelled and crumbled. But even in death they still spat out embers and flames, burning everything nearby. A clever Tom decided to charge straight towards Tcutla and the bar in a daring suicide attack.

Everything went into slow motion… 

Tcutla started to run. As the Tom leapt, she leapt. Tcutla leapt over the bar just as the Tom leapt straight into the bar and it's alcohol… and it exploded. Tcutla was knocked forwards, and crashed into a chair. She pulled herself up, her body aching. A flaming Tom rushed her; he had no weapon and Tcutla easily dispatched him. Two more Toms tried to leap at her, but Tcutla dodged to the side and cut them both in two whilst they tried to respond to what had just happened.

Several Toms were trying to bathe themselves into the blood-filled koi ponds around the edges of the room. It was simple matter for Tcutla to walk along, cutting off their heads. Soon, they were all dead.

"And since I am frequently mistaken for Uma Thurman, I shall now say one of her best lines," shouted Tcutla. She wanted every single person still able to hear to hear it. "To those of you lucky enough to still have your lives: take them with you. But leave the limbs you've lost. They belong to me now."

_That is a pretty cool line. I like it. How come I never thought up a line as cool and sadistic as that? All of this was done to the background of groans and moans of the wounded Toms. I wondered how they'd take this defeat._

Tcutla found Master Celestial Tom lying in the floor, his skin blistered and burnt black. He started to laugh.

"You think you've beaten me?" said Master Celestial Tom.

"You know what?" said Tcutla. "I do. You can barely move."

"You bitch!" yelled Master Celestial Tom. "I call upon my… **SUPER VAMPIRE MAGICAL MIND BLAST!**"

"Your what?"

A huge blast of energy knocked Tcutla off her feet. She stood herself back up, although she was disorientated.

"That Super Vampire Magical Mind Blast should've killed you! How can you survive my FEARSOME onslaught!"

"It must be this blade," said Tcutla.

Even the tiny Marty Stu brain of Master Celestial Tom had now learnt to respect Tcutla (even though she was female and theoretically inferior). He finally took notice of her and looked at the ACROSS Blade in detail. His eyes widened in terror and shock as it dawned on him what Tcutla was using.

"It isn't…"

"It is! This is the ACROSS Blade!"

"YOU LIE!"

"All your magic has been rendered useless."

Master Celestial Tom tried to stand, but couldn't.

"Then… I shall do this!"

He summoned up his remaining strength.

"**SUPER VAMPIRE TELEKINESIS!"**

As one, eight swords from fallen Toms rose up from the ground and floated around the fallen Master Celestial Tom, who started to laugh again.

"Foul demon bitch!" yelled Master Celestial Tom.

The swords all lunged at Tcutla. 'Master Celestial Tom is using his Super Vampire Spirit Magic to control the swords!' she thought. Tcutla slashed at the swords. She cut one in half, then ducked another. She flipped sideways and dodged one, but this was crazy. Swords flew all around her, and she had to stay alert to leap and twist and avoid being skewed. Tcutla cut at the swords; each time she hacked one in half and disabled one. Eventually, the last sword was dealt with.

Master Celestial Tom groaned.

"We're not done here! **SUPER VAMPIRE FIRE MISSILE PUNCH!**"

A huge flaming fist appeared about Master Celestial Tom. It hovered there still for a second, then drew back…

It then flew straight towards Tcutla, who leapt out of the way just in time. The fiery fist exploded behind her.

"Grrrhh!" grunted Master Celestial Tom. "**SUPER VAMPIRE FIRE BARRAGE!**"

Several balls of flame formed around Master Celestial Tom. They grew and charged up their strength, then made a **crack!** noise and propelled themselves at Tcutla. She hit it with her ACROSS Blade, which absorbed the energy. The next ball was actually deflected, and careered straight into a koi pond. The next three balls were absorbed, then the final one was deflected into the upstairs area. Tcutla walked over to Master Celestial Tom.

"You don't understand! You.. you can't stop us!" he stammered. Master Celestial Tom, the leader of The Toms, was actually dying. It had really taken him by surprise. The psychotic Uma Thurman look alike really must have been using the ACROSS Blade. "We will return. Death can't stop us! Death is only the beginning!"

"You know," she said. "Your life hasn't really been so bad. Look at all the power and opportunities you've had, you narcissistic little turd."

She gave him a fake smile.

"You complain to all your friends that you have no friends. It's no wonder. Nobody likes you, we're all just being polite," said Tcutla. For a sadistic, heartless (and probably soulless) killer, she was at least honest. "Now I'm going to send you to Hell, where you can go and bug the Devil for the rest of eternity."

She plunged her blade straight into Master Celestial Toms neck. The Marty Stu made no noise. He simply sank into death and gave no sign of love or hate. The Toms who had saved the Universe more times than anyone knew, and who had ruined just as many good fanfics, were dead. Master Celestial Tom had no emotion in his eyes; it was impossible to tell whether he had welcomed or resisted death, but he was dead. They were all dead.

Tcutla found the golden cigarette lighter amongst the charred corpses. She noticed a full cocktail on a table near the bar. She felt a bit thirsty… but her train of thought was destroyed when she heard somebody enter the lobby, just away from the main room…

"Hello?" yelled Order Tom. "Sorry I'm late! I had a lot of trouble with my car."

He opened the door to the main room.

"So, what'd I miss?"

And then he saw the massacre. The pools of blood, the embers, the charred remains of his brothers, the broken snapped bodies, severed limbs, gory streaks of entrails, and of course, the scared crying girl in the corner, who was still bleeding from where her arm had been cut off. The place stank of death. It was a slaughterhouse; a hellish place of torn human flesh and boiled human blood. Order Tom had to avoid slipping on any of the blood. One corpse caught his eye; it was the staring, blank eyed remains of Bio Tom.

"Oh," he said. "Dear…"

Behind him, in the shadows, Tcutla emerged. She snuck up behind him and elegantly sliced his head off. The body of Order Tom crumpled onto the floor; the head rolled towards the centre of the room. Tcutla was beginning to get a penchant for execution-style head removing. It was fun.

Now that every alternate Tom had been silenced, Tcutla caught her breath against one of the heavy wooden support pillars that bared the pressure of the floor above. It was about then that she noticed the cocktail.

Tcutla took the cocktail and relaxed at the shattered remains of the bar. To her right was Sofie, lying against a pillar and whimpering.

"Look at these guys and just be glad I only cut off your arm," Tcutla took a sip of the cocktail. "Bitch."

She found the cocktail very good and refreshing. When it was finished, she approached the stairs. Up on the floor above, past the dining room, was Beloved Fool.


	12. Chapter 11: SHOWDOWN: Rubus

Our Feature Presentation:  
Philip Williams writes:

**KILL PHIL  
****A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.**

Chapter eleven:  
"Showdown at the House of Azure Flora"

Rubus

_One hundred and fifty dead Mary Sues. My arm hurts. I don't want to think about how much more it'd aching if I hadn't used my golden cigarette lighter to torch the last thirty. What a great way to finish the massacre._

_Now I stand, amidst the corpses of my enemies, their blood baked and their flesh burnt black. I'm at the foot of the stairs, below where Beloved Fool and her bodyguards wait for me._

Tcutla took her first step towards Beloved Fools little hiding place. As she moved onto the staircase, a large bulky figure opened, walked through and closed the doors. The huge armoured figure walked over to the top of the stairs. In one hand he had an enormous morning star, which he rested on his shoulders.

Tcutla and Rubus stared at each other for a moment. Tcutla's crazy blue eyes, the red slits of Rubus' helmet.

_When you think about it, how can he endure to wear full plate, and carry such a huge weapon? But such questions were not to asked or answered. In a few moments Rubus is about to go wild…_

Rubus breathed in and out hard, psyching himself up for the battle. He reared up his head and let out a deafening war cry…

'YYYAAAAAARRRGGGHHH…'

_Yyyaaaaaarrrggghhh yourself. Rubus only seemed to get louder and louder. By this point I was clutching my ears in pain, he was that loud. I think I bit my tongue. Or maybe I'd just been hurt earlier. I don't know. I remember spitting out a big goblet of blood. Then I took several steps back. Rubus motioned to jump, so I ran…_

Rubus charged and leapt past the stairs. With a massive crash he landed on the first floor, right where Tcutla had been standing. She'd managed to leap out of the way just in the nick of time. Tcutla rushed to the other end of the room, on the edge of the dance floor opposite the massive knight.

"Foolish women! I will devour your **_SOUL_**!" shouted Rubus. He pulled out his morning star, and began swinging it about like a madman.

_Show off._

"YOUR BLADE WILL NOT PIERCE CHAOS ARMOUR!" he yelled. He twirled his morning star some more.

Tcutla fumbled around and held up the golden cigarette lighter. She flicked it on, turned it off, then started tapping at it…

"BRING IT ON!" said Rubus. "I am a servant of DISCORD! My unstoppable charge will decimate you"

_Geez I wish he'd stop boasting and attack me. He's kind of annoying._

At last Tcutla remembered how to change the golden cigarette lighter into the Golden Gun. Rubus' morning star was once again an untraceable blur of movement.

He charged.

Tcutla shot him.

_It was fun to watch him fall. He started with a proud and powerful charge, a frightening sight even for me, but after that golden bullet ripped through his armour and pierced his chest, he fell flat on his face. Comical._

Rubus fell and lay flat on the ground. With his heart slowing and his strength fading, he became unable to move under the weight of his armour.

"Aw, what's the matter?" sneered Tcutla, stood over the dying warrior. "Isn't your Lord Phil going to save you? Do you simply not like the taste of the last of Mr Scared-De-Mango's golden bullets?"

Underneath the bulk, the man inside the shell of Rubus responded.

_"**To save the world from devastation… I regret nothing… yellow headed bitch.**_"

_There was an unknown quality in those words, I will not forget them. __I clicked the Golden Gun back intoa lighter, then placed itin my pocket._

"Yeah Rubus, I'm a bitch," said Tcutla. "I'm a bitch and I'm absolutely _loving_ _it_."

And so the Rubus-Tcutla fight reached it's anti-climatic ending. Tcutla pulled out the Across Blade and stabbed straight through Rubus' helmet. The warrior's body shook and convulsed for a few moments, and then, it was still. A blood puddle extended in all directions.

Mostly certainly, Rubus has just been well and truly beaten.

Beaten by Tcutla.  
Beaten by a roaring Lioness.  
_And bitten by the She-Wolf._


	13. Chapter 12: SHOWDOWN: Garnet

Our Feature Presentation:  
Philip Williams writes:

**KILL PHIL  
****A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.**

Chapter twelve:  
"Showdown at House of Azure Flora"

Garnet

Looking at the fallen knight Rubus, Tcutla downed a stiff shot of whiskey. It burnt the back of her throat, but did a good job of numbing the weariness she was feeling deep in her muscles and joints. Out of goodwill, she threw a glass of the foul liquid onto Sofie, who was barely conscious in the corner and looked as though she'd been dipped in a vat of blood. Covered in dried blood and bad whiskey, the crippled girl started crying again. Tcutla had no time to yell at her.

Once again, she walked up the staircase to where Helen would no doubt be eating. This time, no armoured giant appeared as she was walking up the stairs…

_CRASH! _

He'd been waiting till she was at the door before he did that.

Garnet smashed straight through the door into Helen's room and bashed into Tcutla, knocking the psychotic assassin down and sending for careering off the stairs and down onto the blood-soaked dance floor. Tcutla hit the ground hard on her back and was carried along slightly by the blood slicked surface. She felt stunned, and unable to move.

Garnet continued running. His armour clanked and groaned, and the stairs seemed to buckle slightly, but he ran down and onto the ground room. From a back-strapped sheath he pulled out an enormous blade, with an strange eye engraved onto it. He swung the bastard sword in a powerful but slow attack. Tcutla rolled out of the way and Garnet broke apart a piece of the floor instead. In no time at all he had pulled the blade out and swung again, but Tcutla rolled and dodged. Again and again. Garnet was destroying the floor. Tcutla swiped at his feet with the ACROSS Blade, but Garnet just managed to deflect it with his huge sword. From his black he was momentarily distracted, and his balance lost it's perfection, so Tcutla summoned her strength and leapt up off the floor. She ran up the staircase and onto the walkway, with Garnet chasing her in his heavy gear.

Garnet reared up to strike Tcutla as she ran, but he missed and destroyed a part of the walkway instead. Tcutla leapt, rolled and landed facing Garnet. The two faced each other off. Garnet swung his blade, menacingly, and charged…

_And then I realised I was cornered._

There was nowhere left to run, Tcutla did a quick survey of Garnet's armour. She took in every detail of his ornate armoured suit…

Just before Garnet made contact, Tcutla slashed him and twisted her body out of the way of his massive bulk. Garnet screamed in pain and hit the wall with a _**crash**_.

His right hand, cut off at the wrist, fell to the floor. Garnet was on his knees, his head raised in pain. Tcutla pitilessly pulled up his head, looked into his evil, demonic eyes, and then cut his throat.

Garnet gurgled and toppled over the banister. The huge armoured giant smashed into one of the decorative koi ponds, and finally it could be said that there was more blood than water in those pools. Tcutla gazed down, neither smiling nor frowning, at the shattered visage of a one of the greatest fighters in the world, dead. If she kept working through the world's greatest warriors at this rate there'd be no-one left.

Beloved Fool's eating room was empty. Probably during the battle with the Toms, Helen had finished her green tea and her meal. Tcutla spotted a door at the end of the room, and opened it.

Past the door she found that she was…

Outside. In a pure, white, snow-covered garden. The stream that ran through it was nearly frozen over, the fountain still, the cherry blossom trees almost bare. At the end, a fair and beautiful maiden sat on a tree stump.

The suit had been replaced by a short, white kimono. Her hair had returned to it's natural brown colour. But it was Beloved Fool, watching the birds in the decorative garden of the Azure Flora restaurant.

"I've been waiting for you…" said Beloved Fool. A samurai sword rested behind the stump.

The snow began to fall…


	14. Chapter 13: The Garden of Love

Our Feature Presentation:  
Philip Williams writes:

**KILL PHIL  
****A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.**

Chapter thirteen:  
"The Garden of Love"

Beloved Fool sat on the tree stump at the end of the garden. She was singing joyfully:

_"In the garden,  
__Maiden bright  
__Angel dancing in snow white  
__And then comes the other to put her to bed,  
__And her clothes are the same as her gold-covered head"_

She looked at Tcutla out of the corners of her eyes.

"Innocence and Experience," she said softly. "It's part of a poem by Phil. I think I've finally got an interpretation of it now."

Tcutla stood in the doorway, illuminated by the light inside. Her form and her sword were black shapes to Beloved Fool.

"Do you like my kimono?" asked Beloved Fool, examining her pure white outfit.. "I don't think it's a real kimono though, it doesn't seem long enough. But at least it's not very restrictive to movement."

"So you're a natural brown?"

"Oh, the hair?" said Beloved Fool, smiling. "I dyed it for the cosplay convention. It used to be an artificial red. I rinsed it out after I finished my meal."

She looked at the falling snow around her.

"Isn't this scene so wonderful?"

Tcutla felt too impatient for idle chitchat.

"Enough of this! I've come here to collect your head!" shouted Tcutla. "You can sit there and let me kill you, or you can defend yourself."

Beloved Fool sighed. She got up off the stump and picked up her sword from off the floor.

"If you insist," said Beloved Fool. "I tried to make polite conversation. I tried be calm. You've come very close to ruining my holiday you know."

"Do you want to go quickly or not?"

Helen pulled out her sword and sliced off a tree branch in anger.

"Shut up! How dare you come here! You insolent little **_bitch_**!"

"_Ohhh_… little miss can hurt a tree. How scary!" said Tcutla sarcastically. "I'm _soooo_ sorry!"

"Do you see this sword here?" said Beloved Fool, holding up her blade. "Upon it's creation, it was given blessings by a great sword smith!"

"That's just a decorative piece of tat," said Tcutla. "This is what I use…"

She walked forward. The snow underneath her crunch under her blood-covered trainers. _Crunch…_

"The ACROSS Blade."

Beloved Fool did not seem very impressed.

"How uninteresting," said Helen. "I hope that, after such an epic battle with the Krazy 88, you've still got enough strength left to put up a halfway decent fight."

"What a nice garden Beloved Fool," said Tcutla. "As last looks go, you could do a lot worse."

Beloved Fool made a '_Hmph'_ noise. She did not intend this place to mark final her final days.

Tcutla held out her sword in front of her, the tip pointing to Helen.

Slowly, Beloved Fool raised her own sword into a fighting pose. She walked towards Tcutla. Underneath the wooden clogs she had recently put on, the snow crunched.

Crunch… 

The women stood outside of striking distance, their swords another sword length apart. They both moved, and began circling each other. Through their footprints, they ended up making a circle in the snow.

Then they stopped, and paused.

Without noise or warning, both attacked at once. They rushed in, clashed blades, struggled, then separated.

Tcutla and Beloved Fool began circling each other again. They repeated their rush, clash, struggle and separate manoeuvres again and again.

_Rush!Clash!_

Helen took a few steps back. Tcutla stood still, watching and studying Helen's moves. Helen backed into a tree. Judging by her expression she didn't realise it had been behind her.

Tcutla smiled and charged. They clashed blades again. After several parries and attacks, Helen knocked Tcutla's ACROSS Blade and disrupted the assassins mostly flawless balance. She stepped to the side and slashed Tcutla across the back.

The yellow fabric was torn and a thin line of blood appeared on her back. Tcutla screamed and fell to the ground. Beloved Fool stepped down hard on Tcutla's back. She raised her sword…

Tcutla rolled to the side, and knocked Helen to the floor with her. Beloved Fool landed, mildly dazed, on her stomach next to Tcutla. The two grappled with each other for a few moments before Beloved Fool managed to elbow Tcutla in the face. She reached out and picked up her dropped sword and stood up. At the same time, Tcutla did the same. They both looked at each other, breathing hard.

They both approached each other, cautiously.

At the same time, they both swung. Again their blades clashed. Confident that the ACROSS Blade would eventually cut through the steel of Helen's sword, Tcutla put her strength behind the sword. Incensed by Tcutla's devilish smirk, Beloved Fool put her strength behind a sharp kick to Tcutla's stomach. She knocked the assassin backwards, causing her to land in a shallow koi pond.

"Ha!" laughed Helen. "Silly girl playing with a sword! If you know what it is, perhaps you would like to commit sepeku amongst the tiny little fishies?"

Tcutla stood up, soaked, but no more so than when she'd stepped out of Azure Flora. There were a few pale blobs running off her outfit, and more of them in the water.

"Did you wash off your hair dye in the koi pond!" said Tcutla. "That's gross."

She shook off the disgusting pale lumps of blonde dye.

"Now come and hit me with everything you can muster!"

Beloved Fool did not. She stayed back, circling slowly.

Tcutla rushed in and attacked Helen. Helen dodged a blow to the head, and hit Tcutla in the side with the butt of her sword. Helen then withdrew, keeping a distance away from Tcutla, who turned around to face her foe.

They ran in and clashed again and withdrew. Beloved Fool had a deep cut on her left shoulder, Tcutla's right leg was bleeding. Now, they both realised that their next clash would be the last and final one.

"Ready?" asked Tcutla.

"Yes," said Helen, calmly.

Then one final time they clashed with a dazzling array of samurai swordplay. Tcutla was surprised that Helen's blade had not been shattered under the lightning attacks of the ACROSS Blade. Both women gave everything they had. Helen just missed Tcutla's main body and cut Tcutla's hand in one attack. The swords clashed again and again.

When the air stilled again, they gave each other a last and final look, then swung.

One blade made contact.

After that, both women dropped to their knees.

"I'm pretty tired now…"  
"That really was a well-made sword…"

Tcutla fell backwards, Helen fell forwards. Both lay still in the snow.


	15. Chapter 14: Sofie's Trip to The Hospital

Our Feature Presentation:  
Philip Williams writes:

**KILL PHIL  
****A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction.**

Chapter fourteen:  
"Sofie's Trip To The Hospital"

Tcutla and Beloved Fool both lay still next to each other. There was a large puddle of blood underneath both, and it was impossible to tell which had been doing most of the bleeding.

Eventually, after a period of rest, Tcutla got up and prodded Helen. She sharply nudged the girl's head with her foot. It rolled along the garden.

Tcutla sighed, and left Beloved Fool's headless body lying in the garden of blood and snow.

Tcutla was back. She was outside, on a steep hill on the Tokyo outskirts. She was stood in front of a car she'd stolen outside of Azure Flora. The boot was open.

"You should know that I've kept you alive for one reason, and one reason only. Information."

Tcutla spoke through a faceless and sinister motorcycle helmet. It had an evil, dehumanising effect.

"Being stuck at Helen's right hand side, I take it you're familiar with… _Phil_?"

Frightened beyond belief, and barely conscious due to massive blood loss, Sofie nodded.

"Yes," she said meekly.

"In fact, I'd guess you worked for Phil before Helen, and that's how it is you came to work for Helen. Am I correct?"

"Yes,"

"I thought so. Give me the arm you have left."

"Why?"

"Because I want information," said Tcutla testily. "**Now gimmie your arm!**"

Tcutla violently grabbed Sofie, who screamed loudly.

But no-one heard her.

_"Okay, now I want all the  
__information on the Fatal  
__Cobras... What they've been doing  
__and where I can find them."_

After getting all the information she could from Sofie, Tcutla pulled her out the car boot and callously heaved the girl down the slope. Sofie crashed, banged and rolled down right next to the Tokyo hospital.

When they found her, she was barely alive.


	16. Chapter 15: The Undisputed Truth

Our Feature Presentation:  
Philip Williams writes:

**KILL PHIL  
****A rip-roaring tale of blood, death and fanfiction. **

Chapter fifteen:  
"The Undisputed Truth"

**Much, much later, in the Tokyo hospital.**

From somewhere off-screen, his face completely hidden by a conveniently placed shadow, Phil spoke:

"Sofie, Sofie, Sofie," he said soothingly. "I'm so sorry."

Covered in blood and dirt, Sofie sat in a wheelchair. Phil rested his hands on the backrest.

And Sofie began to cry.

"Please! Please forgive me!" she wailed.

From out of view, Phil _shhhhed_ her.

"There, there," he said. "No more of that. It's not like you really had a choice."

"But still!"

"But nothing Sofie. All there is now is an aching in my heart for what that women did to a beautiful and brilliant junior writer."

The news of the night still weighed heavily in Phil's heart. He did not feel able to keep up the show of kindness for long.

"If you had to guess why she left you alive, dear Sofie, what would be your guess?"

Sofie sobbed more as the painful memories resurfaced.

"I-I don't need to guess…" she said. "She told me herself."

Sofie told Phil everything that Tcutla had said as she interrogated her in the car boot.

_"I'm allowing you to keep your  
__wicked life for one reason and one  
__reason only…" _

_"…so you can tell him,  
__in person, everything that happened  
__here tonight…" _

_"…I want him to witness  
__the extent of my mercy, by  
__being a witness to your deformed body…" _

_"…I want you to tell him all the  
__information you just told me…" _

_"…I want him to know what I know. I  
__want him to know I want him to  
__know…" _

_"…and I want them all to know,  
__they'll all soon be as dead as Helen."_

In the back of the hospital room was another one of the Fatal Cobras. She watched Phil comfort Sofie, and had listened to Sofie's tale with interest.

"Nancy," said Phil. The Cobra's ears pricked. "Unless she's being tricky, Marc will be number two."

"But…"

"I know," said Phil. "No matter what happens Nancy, he **_will_** be number two."

"I see," said Nancy. "So where is the Nineteenth Angel? Where is Marc?"

"He's at a holiday home in America at the moment. Los Angeles of all places," said Phil, his body and face still out of view. "But the woman you want will likely hold up in a low budget motel, fifteen or twenty minutes away from stepping on board a plane departing LAX. Please avenge Sofie here…"

There was a long pause. Phil turned away from everything and looked into the all-consuming shadows surrounding him…

"…and Helen," he choked out at last.

Nancy chewed on some gum and blew out a large pink bubble.

"California, here I come."

-

**Even later…**

In the hospital car park, Phil – his form **_still_** completely hidden by shadow - sat in the drivers seat of a silver luxury car. Everything was quiet. It was as though the whole world had died.

He unpaused the CD player:

_"…where we can be together, I promise you…_"

Then promptly paused it again.

And now we leave this author alone, with his only his own thoughts and promises for comfort.

-

_By the time Sofie was receiving treatment, I had already patched myself up. I took a plane back to the US of A, and that was where I was to meet Marc again. I believe that that was where you joined this sordid tale, right?_

_If you stay tuned and watch out, maybe you'll catch the rest of the journey. Now my death list is two down. _

**Helen** (the 'Beloved Fool') (**Deceased**)  
**Marc** (the 'Nineteenth Angel') (**Deceased**)  
**Nancy** ('Deadly Sirens')  
**Adam **(the so-called 'Soviet Man')  
**Tom** (in need of a good spork to the eye.)  
And last of all, **Phil**.

_I can imagine Phil's reaction to the death of Beloved Fool. I wonder what he thought when Marc departed from the world of the living? Did he know he'd been betrayed?_

_Maybe. _

_Will you join me again in a seriously messed up journey of blood, death and fanfiction? Where I promise, I'll rip, I'll roar, and I'll slaughter my way all the way to the founder of the Fatal Cobras, Phil._

_Get ready, Phil.  
__I'm coming for you._

_-_

**THIS IS**

**THE END **

OF

**KILL **

**PHIL **

VOLUME ONE

-

**The Crazed Uma Thurman Look-Alike's journey through the realms of fanfiction will continue in: **

_KILL PHIL: VOLUME 2_

See you next time!

-

…

…

"Phil?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think she was told?"

"No."

…

…

**END**


End file.
